Bob has been suffering from a wicked depression. The death of his father combined with school and work took him to a very dark spot. From my view it looked like hell.
Underneath this depression, many struggles have emerged. I have actually found this quite hopeful. The soul is self correcting at times. This amazes me. When our life isn't working, our soul cries loudly until we listen.
Bob and I share an ability to plow through what needs to be done. This can cause great spiritual pain. We are so busy plowing that we aren't listening to our lives. We miss warning signs, red flags. Progress is plowing through or is it?
I am looking to redefine my definition of progress. Perhaps it is slowing down enough to notice what is really happening. Perhaps it is saying, "I can't do this." Perhaps it is screaming for help.
Somehow in the midst of this crisis, I feel renewed. I can't really explain that.I'm guessing it is getting gut level honest about our life. Today I have no idea what the future holds. I have no plans. Freedom is the word that comes to mind.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Death of a parent
I've been thinking about the death of a parent. I cannot imagine it. I talk to my parents most days. It's a touchstone in my life. I hate thinking that they will die one day. Actually, I never think about it.
My parents are healthy and active, but more than that they are my parents---invinsible. This past weekend harshly reminded me that we are alll going to die ---even my parents--- i hate that! I wish I could say that I have resolved to tell them that I love them more or visit more often. They know I love them and I visit pretty often. The bottom line is there isn't any way to avoid death.
For today, I'm thankful for my parents. I pray we have many more years together. My real prayer today is please, please don't ever die.
How childish is that????
My parents are healthy and active, but more than that they are my parents---invinsible. This past weekend harshly reminded me that we are alll going to die ---even my parents--- i hate that! I wish I could say that I have resolved to tell them that I love them more or visit more often. They know I love them and I visit pretty often. The bottom line is there isn't any way to avoid death.
For today, I'm thankful for my parents. I pray we have many more years together. My real prayer today is please, please don't ever die.
How childish is that????
Sunday, October 02, 2005
The weekend
I'm back tonight with the girls from Bob's Dad's funeral. It will take me months to process the experience.
A few things that really hit me during these couple of days:
Going through someone's belongings is sacred. Our possessions tell our stories. It was fascinating to see the various interests Al had. Do you know anyone else with 10 harmonicas?
Brokeness does not prevent one from living a meaningful life. A meaningful life is built by small kindnesses shared each day.
The term dysfunctional family should be eliminated from our vocabularies. All familes are wackey and we are all sure ours is the worst.
God's grace can provide healing in utterly miraculous ways.
I'm sure more will follow. My sweet husband gave a lovely eulogy for his Dad. I can think of few times I have been prouder of him. He spoke with such tenderness...he spoke with love. His brother , Bill, and sister, Cathi, did beautiful readings. Bob, Bill, and Cathi gave their Dad a graceful ending. In that ending, they found a new beginning in their relationships.
A few things that really hit me during these couple of days:
Going through someone's belongings is sacred. Our possessions tell our stories. It was fascinating to see the various interests Al had. Do you know anyone else with 10 harmonicas?
Brokeness does not prevent one from living a meaningful life. A meaningful life is built by small kindnesses shared each day.
The term dysfunctional family should be eliminated from our vocabularies. All familes are wackey and we are all sure ours is the worst.
God's grace can provide healing in utterly miraculous ways.
I'm sure more will follow. My sweet husband gave a lovely eulogy for his Dad. I can think of few times I have been prouder of him. He spoke with such tenderness...he spoke with love. His brother , Bill, and sister, Cathi, did beautiful readings. Bob, Bill, and Cathi gave their Dad a graceful ending. In that ending, they found a new beginning in their relationships.
Monday, September 19, 2005
A New Job
It's official....I accepted a new job today. I will be working for the Children's Health Council in Palo Alto. I'm going to be working on an exciting program called Schools Attuned (www.allkindsofminds.org). The program trains teachers to work with learning differences. The program is based on the work of Dr. Mel Levine. He has studied brain differences in children. It's very interesting!
Even better is that it is a 20 hr a week job. This is awesome because I can be home more and continue to explore where my life is going.
Even better is that it is a 20 hr a week job. This is awesome because I can be home more and continue to explore where my life is going.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Turning 43
I’ll turn 43 on Friday. My Dad always said 44 is the perfect age. I can see why he said that.
I was offered a new job yesterday. Taking a break from work in the middle of life seemed absurd. When I told people I quit my job they just looked dumbstruck. I broke the rules. I went off script. I risked. I listened.
It worked. It really worked. God was faithful. The time off has been renewing. Our family re-grouped a bit, caught our breath. I was able to slow down enough to hear the nudging of the Spirit.
At this point my biggest goal for a job is to have maximum time with the family. Not that I don’t care about the job, but I want to be home more. This isn’t just altruistic. My soul grows hanging out at home. I need that space to listen. I don’t do well rushed and hurried. I can’t hear. I can’t be present to those I love.
So heading towards 44, I feel light in spirit. I feel at home in my soul. I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth. I have two girls who brighten each day. I have a husband who adores me. I have parents who love me. I have friends who stay with me on this wild adventure. I have a God who has big dreams for me. I am so loved. Life is good.
I was offered a new job yesterday. Taking a break from work in the middle of life seemed absurd. When I told people I quit my job they just looked dumbstruck. I broke the rules. I went off script. I risked. I listened.
It worked. It really worked. God was faithful. The time off has been renewing. Our family re-grouped a bit, caught our breath. I was able to slow down enough to hear the nudging of the Spirit.
At this point my biggest goal for a job is to have maximum time with the family. Not that I don’t care about the job, but I want to be home more. This isn’t just altruistic. My soul grows hanging out at home. I need that space to listen. I don’t do well rushed and hurried. I can’t hear. I can’t be present to those I love.
So heading towards 44, I feel light in spirit. I feel at home in my soul. I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth. I have two girls who brighten each day. I have a husband who adores me. I have parents who love me. I have friends who stay with me on this wild adventure. I have a God who has big dreams for me. I am so loved. Life is good.
Monday, September 12, 2005
A beginning
It was a big weekend.
Our family has been on a journey for the past two years with Bob in seminary. At times it has felt like everything had been rearranged in our life. Disorientation has been one of the primary feelings. For the family it has been especially odd because Bob commutes to seminary so we aren't a part of that community. For many reasons the girls and I have stayed at our home parish and Bob has done his field ed work at St. Marks. We didn't want to uproot the girls from our primary community. This worked okay although church was really never quite the same after Bob stopped attending with us. Mary stopped going. I found myself moving emotionally out of the community. Even Katie seemed to be moving out.
Last night, Bob(and an awesome team) began leading an alternative worship service at St Marks. The girls and I decided we would attend. Honestly, we were thinking that he wouldn't have many people so at least we would fill a few chairs. Well, we were wrong. People kept showing up. They had set up chairs and pillows for about 25 and over 60 people showed up.
The service was very experiential. The band was great. The girls loved it. About halfway through the service Katie went up and stood with Bob as he led the worship. She held so tightly to him. I realized how much she had missed worshipping with him. Mary helped put out chairs, pass out programs. I helped set out candles and create the space. Our family embraced the ministry that we all have been called to on some level.
We went to eat Mexican food after the service and Katie said," I can't wait for next week." Mary mentioned the possiblity of attending youth group. In that moment our family made a move. Quietly over chips and salsa we committed to attend St. Marks with Bob and to be a part of the ministry he feels called to. Slowly, and with intention as a family we are moving forward into the life of ministry. We have no idea where it will take us, but if last night is any indication it will likely be very good.
PS: If you live in the bay area feel free to join us on Sunday nights at 5. You can check out the website www.soscommunity.org for more information.
Our family has been on a journey for the past two years with Bob in seminary. At times it has felt like everything had been rearranged in our life. Disorientation has been one of the primary feelings. For the family it has been especially odd because Bob commutes to seminary so we aren't a part of that community. For many reasons the girls and I have stayed at our home parish and Bob has done his field ed work at St. Marks. We didn't want to uproot the girls from our primary community. This worked okay although church was really never quite the same after Bob stopped attending with us. Mary stopped going. I found myself moving emotionally out of the community. Even Katie seemed to be moving out.
Last night, Bob(and an awesome team) began leading an alternative worship service at St Marks. The girls and I decided we would attend. Honestly, we were thinking that he wouldn't have many people so at least we would fill a few chairs. Well, we were wrong. People kept showing up. They had set up chairs and pillows for about 25 and over 60 people showed up.
The service was very experiential. The band was great. The girls loved it. About halfway through the service Katie went up and stood with Bob as he led the worship. She held so tightly to him. I realized how much she had missed worshipping with him. Mary helped put out chairs, pass out programs. I helped set out candles and create the space. Our family embraced the ministry that we all have been called to on some level.
We went to eat Mexican food after the service and Katie said," I can't wait for next week." Mary mentioned the possiblity of attending youth group. In that moment our family made a move. Quietly over chips and salsa we committed to attend St. Marks with Bob and to be a part of the ministry he feels called to. Slowly, and with intention as a family we are moving forward into the life of ministry. We have no idea where it will take us, but if last night is any indication it will likely be very good.
PS: If you live in the bay area feel free to join us on Sunday nights at 5. You can check out the website www.soscommunity.org for more information.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Rest in Peace
Mary Lou McElyea died a couple of weeks ago. Mrs. McEleyea was my first Sunday School teacher. I recall her talking about God's love. She didn't just talk about it...she radiated it. I was about 5 years old when I was in her class, but I vividly remember thinking this lady is talking about something very real, alive.
As a child, church was my favorite place. I felt totally at home there. People there noticed me in a way that I never experienced in another setting.
The passing of Mrs.McEleya reminds me that Christian Formation isn't about having the perfect curriculum or the correct supplies. Formation is about loving others from the depth of God's love.
I am grateful to all the kind Sunday School teachers like Mrs. McElyea who helped form my faithh.
Rest in peace Mrs. McElyea.
As a child, church was my favorite place. I felt totally at home there. People there noticed me in a way that I never experienced in another setting.
The passing of Mrs.McEleya reminds me that Christian Formation isn't about having the perfect curriculum or the correct supplies. Formation is about loving others from the depth of God's love.
I am grateful to all the kind Sunday School teachers like Mrs. McElyea who helped form my faithh.
Rest in peace Mrs. McElyea.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Seasons Changing
The school year is about to begin. We are in the last few days of summer. I’m out of tricks for fun summer activities. I’ve almost worn tired of the pool. I’m eager for the season to change.
The last few days the air has been cooler. The daylight is growing slightly shorter. Slowly we will move to autumn; a time when the leaves change and ultimately die. My soul feels in line with autumn. Much in my life is shining with bright colors, and yet, much of will truly die this year. Mary will graduate. Bob will graduate. Katie will start middle school. We will likely move. It would be easy to move to winter and feel sad about all that must die. It is also tempting to move on to spring and think about all that is going to grow anew. Yet, I sit in the beauty of autumn, basking at the colorful leaves in my life. I am aware that winter will come and perhaps be harsh, but today it is the beauty of those who surround me that fills my heart.
Gratitude is emotion that is in the forefront. There have been many weeks in the past 3 years when I didn’t know if we would make it to this point. I didn’t know if our marriage would hold the strain of so many life changes. I didn’t know if the children would handle the changes. I didn’t know if I could.
To arrive at the autumn of this journey is to feel a deeply grateful heart. We have been supported in big and little ways. Our families and friends have supported us even when our life decisions seemed utterly absurd. It’s overwhelming at times to comprehend. The many times we flirted with Bob quitting the seminary process, yet something always emerged to lift us from the bottom of the pit. Kind words, dinner invitations, airplane tickets, prayer, encouragement. All these kindnesses have brought us to this place.
Yes, winter will smart this year. I’m sure of that. Spring will be exciting and scary. Summer will be seeing our oldest in full bloom. But today, I’m thrilled to be entering the fall thankful for the richness of colors in my life.
The last few days the air has been cooler. The daylight is growing slightly shorter. Slowly we will move to autumn; a time when the leaves change and ultimately die. My soul feels in line with autumn. Much in my life is shining with bright colors, and yet, much of will truly die this year. Mary will graduate. Bob will graduate. Katie will start middle school. We will likely move. It would be easy to move to winter and feel sad about all that must die. It is also tempting to move on to spring and think about all that is going to grow anew. Yet, I sit in the beauty of autumn, basking at the colorful leaves in my life. I am aware that winter will come and perhaps be harsh, but today it is the beauty of those who surround me that fills my heart.
Gratitude is emotion that is in the forefront. There have been many weeks in the past 3 years when I didn’t know if we would make it to this point. I didn’t know if our marriage would hold the strain of so many life changes. I didn’t know if the children would handle the changes. I didn’t know if I could.
To arrive at the autumn of this journey is to feel a deeply grateful heart. We have been supported in big and little ways. Our families and friends have supported us even when our life decisions seemed utterly absurd. It’s overwhelming at times to comprehend. The many times we flirted with Bob quitting the seminary process, yet something always emerged to lift us from the bottom of the pit. Kind words, dinner invitations, airplane tickets, prayer, encouragement. All these kindnesses have brought us to this place.
Yes, winter will smart this year. I’m sure of that. Spring will be exciting and scary. Summer will be seeing our oldest in full bloom. But today, I’m thrilled to be entering the fall thankful for the richness of colors in my life.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Summer winding down
Summer is winding down here at the Carlton house. School starts next week. Bob finishes CPE on Friday. I've been off work for nine wonderful weeks. I feel my batteries finally recharging. I actually cleaned the house this morning. Well, the truth is I cleaned before the cleaning people are coming. We haven't had cleaning people in two years, but we decided a one time clean would be a great way to start the new school year.
I have an interesting job possibility brewing. It totally seemed perfect when I interviewed. Now it has stalled a bit. I really want to listen and not just jump on a quick fix. I'm sensing that it will become clear. Either way the interview gave me great confidence. It also made realize that my options are wide open.
I'm feeling great about taking the summer off. Most of my fears have not been realized. I was sure we'd go broke if I took this time off. Actually, the money has worked out.
Labor day weekend we will go on our annual church family weekend up in beautiful Sonoma county. This weekend has been our commu nal glue for the past 8 years. We've watched babies grow to kids, marriages desolve,new love found, friends move, jobs lost and found. This is the place where friends have become family.
There is an ache in my heart knowing that this is our last Bishop's Ranch weekend. Whether we move or stay here after seminary we will be leaving this community. Over the past two years we have slowly moved out of this lovelvy community. But I sense that a new season is brewing for our family. A season of letting go. Part of the letting go is a deep gratitude for the wonderful community we landed in. And so my prayer for our annual Labor day pilgrimage is that we enter with deeply thnkful hearts for the love and hospitality that have been given to us. May we laugh hard, get little sleep, drink a little too much wine, and gently welcome new faces who can take our seats around the campfire.
I have an interesting job possibility brewing. It totally seemed perfect when I interviewed. Now it has stalled a bit. I really want to listen and not just jump on a quick fix. I'm sensing that it will become clear. Either way the interview gave me great confidence. It also made realize that my options are wide open.
I'm feeling great about taking the summer off. Most of my fears have not been realized. I was sure we'd go broke if I took this time off. Actually, the money has worked out.
Labor day weekend we will go on our annual church family weekend up in beautiful Sonoma county. This weekend has been our commu nal glue for the past 8 years. We've watched babies grow to kids, marriages desolve,new love found, friends move, jobs lost and found. This is the place where friends have become family.
There is an ache in my heart knowing that this is our last Bishop's Ranch weekend. Whether we move or stay here after seminary we will be leaving this community. Over the past two years we have slowly moved out of this lovelvy community. But I sense that a new season is brewing for our family. A season of letting go. Part of the letting go is a deep gratitude for the wonderful community we landed in. And so my prayer for our annual Labor day pilgrimage is that we enter with deeply thnkful hearts for the love and hospitality that have been given to us. May we laugh hard, get little sleep, drink a little too much wine, and gently welcome new faces who can take our seats around the campfire.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Staying Awake
“Stay awake”….that is what my monk friend told me about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been trying this and it’s more difficult than I expected.
Staying awake means staying present to all that is going on around me..to my feelings, to the feelings of those around me. It feels almost like sensory overload. No wonder I spend so much time distracted by computers, books, errands.
If I stay awake…I feel happiness, sadness, joy, pain, worry, fear, anticipation. Awake I notice the real joys of life…a funny joke, the kiss of a child, the cool breeze. I am finding that awake, God is not contained in quiet time or meditation, but is present in each moment.
Staying awake means staying present to all that is going on around me..to my feelings, to the feelings of those around me. It feels almost like sensory overload. No wonder I spend so much time distracted by computers, books, errands.
If I stay awake…I feel happiness, sadness, joy, pain, worry, fear, anticipation. Awake I notice the real joys of life…a funny joke, the kiss of a child, the cool breeze. I am finding that awake, God is not contained in quiet time or meditation, but is present in each moment.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Body and Spirit
I've been thinking alot about marrige lately. I think it's because Bob and I have actually had a good deal of time together over the past couple of months.
Actually to be truthful I've been thinking about sex and marriage. A topic that is rarely discussed especially in Christian circles.
Bob and I were both totally worn out on Sunday. We skipped half of church and sat in the park and talked. We were both frustrated with each other. It was a rather circular convesation. You don't understand me....I try so much harder...the usual circular conversation. Luckily, we stopped at some point and agreed that we could at least meet at feeling underappreciated. We made it back into church in time to share a good chuckle over the barbershop quartet communion singers.
The rest of the day we spent of the day doing house chores. As we went to bed we were both tired. We both apologized for the ugly words earlier in day. And then almost magically our tired bodies said what our words couldn't say. We moved out of our separateness into communion and met at the altar of one another; we were tranformed.
The next day I felt renewed and blessed. What an awesome God who created us...the earthy us ....the body. Our western culture desperately pushes a wedge between body and spirit. Ours is an earthy faith...body and blood. Separating body from spirit is denying the deep creative force to be co-creators with God.
Actually to be truthful I've been thinking about sex and marriage. A topic that is rarely discussed especially in Christian circles.
Bob and I were both totally worn out on Sunday. We skipped half of church and sat in the park and talked. We were both frustrated with each other. It was a rather circular convesation. You don't understand me....I try so much harder...the usual circular conversation. Luckily, we stopped at some point and agreed that we could at least meet at feeling underappreciated. We made it back into church in time to share a good chuckle over the barbershop quartet communion singers.
The rest of the day we spent of the day doing house chores. As we went to bed we were both tired. We both apologized for the ugly words earlier in day. And then almost magically our tired bodies said what our words couldn't say. We moved out of our separateness into communion and met at the altar of one another; we were tranformed.
The next day I felt renewed and blessed. What an awesome God who created us...the earthy us ....the body. Our western culture desperately pushes a wedge between body and spirit. Ours is an earthy faith...body and blood. Separating body from spirit is denying the deep creative force to be co-creators with God.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Anticipation
The phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "Hello Mom".
Relief overwhelmed me. Quiet prayers of thanksgiving sprinkeled with a few tears of joy.
Letting Mary participate in Amigos felt like a huge leap of faith On a conceptual level, I thought it was great....going to another country, helping others, expanding language skills. But it was Mary...my sweet, beautiful 17 year old. I had to face what I already knew...something bad could happen to her anywhere. Then there was the issue that she and another teen would live on there own in a foreign country. All this made me anxious. And then I would think about what an awesome life experience this would be and I made peace with it.
Putting her on the plane 6 weeks ago today was tough. Nothing could hold back my tears not even her confidence as she walked through security. We have had only 2 calls during this time.
So today she returns...she called from the Houston airport. I can't wait to hear all about it. How will this trip have changed her? How will it change all of us? How will we treausure this last year together?
The welcome home sign is up...the streamers are hanging from the door ...the welcome home balloon is full...My heart is full.
Welcome home Mary!
Relief overwhelmed me. Quiet prayers of thanksgiving sprinkeled with a few tears of joy.
Letting Mary participate in Amigos felt like a huge leap of faith On a conceptual level, I thought it was great....going to another country, helping others, expanding language skills. But it was Mary...my sweet, beautiful 17 year old. I had to face what I already knew...something bad could happen to her anywhere. Then there was the issue that she and another teen would live on there own in a foreign country. All this made me anxious. And then I would think about what an awesome life experience this would be and I made peace with it.
Putting her on the plane 6 weeks ago today was tough. Nothing could hold back my tears not even her confidence as she walked through security. We have had only 2 calls during this time.
So today she returns...she called from the Houston airport. I can't wait to hear all about it. How will this trip have changed her? How will it change all of us? How will we treausure this last year together?
The welcome home sign is up...the streamers are hanging from the door ...the welcome home balloon is full...My heart is full.
Welcome home Mary!
Friday, July 29, 2005
Picking Katie Up At Camp
Today we picked Katie up at camp. It was so great. She ran up to hug us and burst into tears. She was so happy to see us. I love the way this child wears her heart on her sleeve.
She had wonderful time...it was churchy but not bad churchy was her report. She went on a 15 mile hike and had a week full of new adventures.
What a great day!
She had wonderful time...it was churchy but not bad churchy was her report. She went on a 15 mile hike and had a week full of new adventures.
What a great day!
Stay Awake
I just got back from a short retreat at Mt. Calvary Monastery in Santa Barbara. I try to get up there two times a year. My soul relaxes as I walk through the big wooden door.
It was hard to turn off the …okay God tell me what’s next?
I was speaking with one of the monks and he asked how I had been since I last visited. I explained that I had left my job and was waiting to see what would be next for me. He quickly said, “Well stay awake…that’s all you have to do is stay awake.”
At about 4 am I heard a very loud crow. My first instinct was to throw the pillow over my head. Then I thought…stay awake. So I layed in the bed for what seemed like an eternity and listened to the crow.
This morning as I sat on my favorite rock overlooking the Pacific, I wondered how do we stay awake?
Part of it lies in following a prayerful rhythm throughout the day…allowing for regular times of prayer, rest, leisure, and work. It also requires me to turn down the noise in my life. Noise is a distraction from intimacy with God. Often for me that noise includes fear and self doubt. Each time I sit on that rock I hear God inviting me into trust and surrender.
I got a few inklings where my life might be going. A few things seem very clear. God has called me off the grid. My life will likely look irresponsible to the casual observer. This is a bit frightening to one who lives by a plan and has been labeled responsible since birth. I’m also guessing that my comfort zones are going to be pushed a bit. I tend to hold back and it seems that I am being called to move more into the open.
And then there’s money… I must admit for me money is one of my biggest spiritual obstacles. I have an overdeveloped need for financial security. I know everybody worries about money…but money holds me back. The last couple of years I have let out the string on this a bit, but I am always holding the string. It may be time to lay the string down and trust. I’m not sure what this looks like or exactly how to do this. I’m thinking prayer is a good place to start.
So in the coming weeks I pray for the courage to stay awake and open my heart to trust that God is quietly revealing new plans for my life.
It was hard to turn off the …okay God tell me what’s next?
I was speaking with one of the monks and he asked how I had been since I last visited. I explained that I had left my job and was waiting to see what would be next for me. He quickly said, “Well stay awake…that’s all you have to do is stay awake.”
At about 4 am I heard a very loud crow. My first instinct was to throw the pillow over my head. Then I thought…stay awake. So I layed in the bed for what seemed like an eternity and listened to the crow.
This morning as I sat on my favorite rock overlooking the Pacific, I wondered how do we stay awake?
Part of it lies in following a prayerful rhythm throughout the day…allowing for regular times of prayer, rest, leisure, and work. It also requires me to turn down the noise in my life. Noise is a distraction from intimacy with God. Often for me that noise includes fear and self doubt. Each time I sit on that rock I hear God inviting me into trust and surrender.
I got a few inklings where my life might be going. A few things seem very clear. God has called me off the grid. My life will likely look irresponsible to the casual observer. This is a bit frightening to one who lives by a plan and has been labeled responsible since birth. I’m also guessing that my comfort zones are going to be pushed a bit. I tend to hold back and it seems that I am being called to move more into the open.
And then there’s money… I must admit for me money is one of my biggest spiritual obstacles. I have an overdeveloped need for financial security. I know everybody worries about money…but money holds me back. The last couple of years I have let out the string on this a bit, but I am always holding the string. It may be time to lay the string down and trust. I’m not sure what this looks like or exactly how to do this. I’m thinking prayer is a good place to start.
So in the coming weeks I pray for the courage to stay awake and open my heart to trust that God is quietly revealing new plans for my life.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Freedom
It’s been about 6 weeks since I stopped working. I have finally really relaxed into it. Here are a few of my random thoughts on this time:
The time I have spent with Katie this summer has been amazing. Katie is such an interesting kid and being with her is full of twists and turns and lovely surprises. I was missing out on so much with her. This week we went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my friend, Jane and her kids. Katie said Jane and I were being “real moms” for the day (aka..stay at home moms). The sun was shining, the smell of popcorn, the ocean breeze, the kids laughing, it was a perfect day. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.
It is kind of interesting because after I had Mary I did not work for many years. I also had loads of help at home…a nanny, a housekeeper, a yard guy, a snow shoveler. Most of that time I felt itchy and incomplete; I could never settle into the role of Mom. I was a good Mom, but underneath I felt a bit empty. I always wondered about women who easily embraced motherhood. It was a struggle for me.
Having worked hard perhaps too hard at times, I now feel like this Mom gig is the greatest job on earth. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is not going to last forever and I really want to soak it up. Now…in this moment…not tomorrow…not when the house is clean…not when the kids are perfect…not when there is plenty of money. Today! I want to love those in my life from the depths of my heart. That’s it…I am not sure there is any other great plan in my life at the moment. The things I am looking forward to are hanging out with Bob tonight, sending Katie a package at camp, checking my e-mail a hundred times to see if Mary wrote me, calling my friends, talking to family…that’s it .
My therapist said to me a while back that I was searching for freedom. I thought that was an odd comment. Yes, I think it is freedom that I am finding. Freedom from expectations, freedom from plans…freedom to love and feel each day as a great gift from God.
The time I have spent with Katie this summer has been amazing. Katie is such an interesting kid and being with her is full of twists and turns and lovely surprises. I was missing out on so much with her. This week we went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my friend, Jane and her kids. Katie said Jane and I were being “real moms” for the day (aka..stay at home moms). The sun was shining, the smell of popcorn, the ocean breeze, the kids laughing, it was a perfect day. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.
It is kind of interesting because after I had Mary I did not work for many years. I also had loads of help at home…a nanny, a housekeeper, a yard guy, a snow shoveler. Most of that time I felt itchy and incomplete; I could never settle into the role of Mom. I was a good Mom, but underneath I felt a bit empty. I always wondered about women who easily embraced motherhood. It was a struggle for me.
Having worked hard perhaps too hard at times, I now feel like this Mom gig is the greatest job on earth. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is not going to last forever and I really want to soak it up. Now…in this moment…not tomorrow…not when the house is clean…not when the kids are perfect…not when there is plenty of money. Today! I want to love those in my life from the depths of my heart. That’s it…I am not sure there is any other great plan in my life at the moment. The things I am looking forward to are hanging out with Bob tonight, sending Katie a package at camp, checking my e-mail a hundred times to see if Mary wrote me, calling my friends, talking to family…that’s it .
My therapist said to me a while back that I was searching for freedom. I thought that was an odd comment. Yes, I think it is freedom that I am finding. Freedom from expectations, freedom from plans…freedom to love and feel each day as a great gift from God.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Worry
I went on a brief trip to Texas to visit my parents. Katie and I also got to go visit my brother’s lake house. It was much fun. In one day she caught 5 fish, jumped off a boat, and learned to play ping pong. It was also the first time she had spent much time with my brother’s boys. They had a great time. I enjoyed it too.
I’m glad to be home. The older I get the more I just like to be home. Bob and I had a lovely afternoon hanging by the pool today.
I’ve really been missing Mary. She is in Mexico for 6 weeks with www.amigoslink.org. It is hard to have her gone and she has been sick during the trip. I am so proud of her. She is working in a small village teaching at a day camp with 2 other high school students.
Since I’ve stopped working I notice that I am worrying more about the girls. I worry if they are safe. I worry if they have the right friends. I worry that I haven’t taught them the “right” things. I worry ….I just worry.
Worry is from fear…fear that things aren’t going to work out …fear that something bad is going to happen. Worry is tiring and draining. Worry never helps things. Most of the bad things that have happened to me were too hideous to even imagine worrying about.
So my goal for the week is to just stop! When I want to worry about the girls I am just going to lift up a prayer of gratitude for the gifts they are in my life. I have no idea if this is going to work. I’ll keep you posted.
I’m glad to be home. The older I get the more I just like to be home. Bob and I had a lovely afternoon hanging by the pool today.
I’ve really been missing Mary. She is in Mexico for 6 weeks with www.amigoslink.org. It is hard to have her gone and she has been sick during the trip. I am so proud of her. She is working in a small village teaching at a day camp with 2 other high school students.
Since I’ve stopped working I notice that I am worrying more about the girls. I worry if they are safe. I worry if they have the right friends. I worry that I haven’t taught them the “right” things. I worry ….I just worry.
Worry is from fear…fear that things aren’t going to work out …fear that something bad is going to happen. Worry is tiring and draining. Worry never helps things. Most of the bad things that have happened to me were too hideous to even imagine worrying about.
So my goal for the week is to just stop! When I want to worry about the girls I am just going to lift up a prayer of gratitude for the gifts they are in my life. I have no idea if this is going to work. I’ll keep you posted.
Friday, July 08, 2005
The Objects We Love
What do the objects we own say about us? This was the topic on Forum, a local NPR show. The discussion centered around the objects we own and their artistic value. One of the guests on the show is developing a found art exhibit at the Berkeley Art Museum. He talked about going into people’s houses and asking to borrow their precious collections; the things that represented their souls.
This got me thinking about the objects in my life. What are my true material treasures? What is the art in my life?
A few things came to mind. I love worn furniture. I don’t want any shine in my house; it just plays up my imperfections. My living room coffee table is a great example. It is a pine Mexican style table. What I love about it is all the paint, glitter, and marker marks. It holds holy moments of creating.
I love pitchers; not sure why. An old floral pitcher my Mom gave me is my favorite; followed by an old wooden pitcher that I bought at a flea market. Of course, my books rate very high up there. I also love all types of blankets; throws, quilts and afghans. I have a number of great blankets from family members. My wedding ring. Earrings. My kid’s artwork. Family photos. Good sheets. My pillow. Icons and religious statues.
These are the items that I would gather for my Lisa Carlton art installation. I’m not sure if there is any thread to these items. I just know they are the things that create beauty and happiness for me.
What are the objects that are most precious to you?
This got me thinking about the objects in my life. What are my true material treasures? What is the art in my life?
A few things came to mind. I love worn furniture. I don’t want any shine in my house; it just plays up my imperfections. My living room coffee table is a great example. It is a pine Mexican style table. What I love about it is all the paint, glitter, and marker marks. It holds holy moments of creating.
I love pitchers; not sure why. An old floral pitcher my Mom gave me is my favorite; followed by an old wooden pitcher that I bought at a flea market. Of course, my books rate very high up there. I also love all types of blankets; throws, quilts and afghans. I have a number of great blankets from family members. My wedding ring. Earrings. My kid’s artwork. Family photos. Good sheets. My pillow. Icons and religious statues.
These are the items that I would gather for my Lisa Carlton art installation. I’m not sure if there is any thread to these items. I just know they are the things that create beauty and happiness for me.
What are the objects that are most precious to you?
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Shout out to Cathi
I have been hanging out all day trying to figure out what I am “supposed” to do with all my new found time. Katie is gone all day. I have wandered around the house like a lost sheep. I spent some time in prayer this morning but really couldn’t settle in. I tried to write for a while but that didn’t work either. I cooked a good dinner and wasted time on the Internet.
Around 2 pm the phone rang; it was Cathi, my sister in law. I was so happy to hear her voice. I’ve known Cathi most of my life. I remember her in elementary school. She was a couple years older than me. She was a cool, tough girl. Something about her always stayed in my head. So when I started dating her brother, I felt a bit intimidated by her. I don’t ever recall us having a conversation for years. I’d see her at family gatherings, but there wasn’t much connection. One of my real regrets in life is that we skipped her wedding because our corporate busyness was more important. Those are the things you do when you are young that you are totally horrified by later in life.
After we moved out to California, we started seeing Cathi and her boys on a regular basis. Much to my surprise, she and I had much in common. She is a deeply spiritual person and somehow when we chatted I had the sense we understood each other on a deep level. Last year she was going through a pretty dark period and I had the honor being present with her during that time. It was a gift to have a family member be so real, so messy and allow me to bear witness to that moment. That night I learned that in families we don’t have to hide our tears and our pain.
I was reminded today when Cathi called, what a gift she has become in my life and how much I respect her courage. In a weird twist of fate, she too is taking a period in her life to reassess and take a new path. It was great to chat with her about the loneliness of slowing down.
So today I say thanks for Cathi and the love and light that she has brought to me and to Mary, Katie and Bob. Thanks for letting us share in your journey. You are on your way!
Around 2 pm the phone rang; it was Cathi, my sister in law. I was so happy to hear her voice. I’ve known Cathi most of my life. I remember her in elementary school. She was a couple years older than me. She was a cool, tough girl. Something about her always stayed in my head. So when I started dating her brother, I felt a bit intimidated by her. I don’t ever recall us having a conversation for years. I’d see her at family gatherings, but there wasn’t much connection. One of my real regrets in life is that we skipped her wedding because our corporate busyness was more important. Those are the things you do when you are young that you are totally horrified by later in life.
After we moved out to California, we started seeing Cathi and her boys on a regular basis. Much to my surprise, she and I had much in common. She is a deeply spiritual person and somehow when we chatted I had the sense we understood each other on a deep level. Last year she was going through a pretty dark period and I had the honor being present with her during that time. It was a gift to have a family member be so real, so messy and allow me to bear witness to that moment. That night I learned that in families we don’t have to hide our tears and our pain.
I was reminded today when Cathi called, what a gift she has become in my life and how much I respect her courage. In a weird twist of fate, she too is taking a period in her life to reassess and take a new path. It was great to chat with her about the loneliness of slowing down.
So today I say thanks for Cathi and the love and light that she has brought to me and to Mary, Katie and Bob. Thanks for letting us share in your journey. You are on your way!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Be still
Today I’ve decided that until the end of July I should just be…
Not try to figure out what is next….not connect with people for a new job…not make any money…just be. I can’t say that I am doing too well with this goal. I’ve already checked the craigslist jobs twice today.
I wonder why I avoid being? I’m always planning for the future…making little timelines…making lists…weighing the pros and cons of various scenarios…going on Expedia to plan trips I will never take.
Yesterday Katie and I were hanging out and I went outside and just laid in the grass. It was a lovely moment. Time stood still. The sun felt warm on my face. My body relaxed into the earth. In that moment of stillness, God’s presence surrounded me.
Be still and know that I am God.
Not try to figure out what is next….not connect with people for a new job…not make any money…just be. I can’t say that I am doing too well with this goal. I’ve already checked the craigslist jobs twice today.
I wonder why I avoid being? I’m always planning for the future…making little timelines…making lists…weighing the pros and cons of various scenarios…going on Expedia to plan trips I will never take.
Yesterday Katie and I were hanging out and I went outside and just laid in the grass. It was a lovely moment. Time stood still. The sun felt warm on my face. My body relaxed into the earth. In that moment of stillness, God’s presence surrounded me.
Be still and know that I am God.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
4th of July
I love the 4th of July. It may be my favorite holiday. This is a bit a strange for a liberal leaning Christian. I don't consider myself very patriotic.
So what is it that I love about this holiday? I think it's the communal nature of the 4th of July. As a kid, all the neighbors would gather in the front yard. We'd stay up late eating hot dogs and homemade ice cream. Everyone gathered to celebate... it was simple and just plain fun.
This year the Carltons will have a few friends over. Play kickball, drink beer, eat Bob's wonderful BBQ and head up the hill to watch fireworks. Katie has decorated the white board in Red , White , and Blue. She has listed the evening activites and the menu.
It's the simlicity of the day that I love...hang with friends, eat good food, and celebrate our common bond. If only Christmas could be so simple!
So what is it that I love about this holiday? I think it's the communal nature of the 4th of July. As a kid, all the neighbors would gather in the front yard. We'd stay up late eating hot dogs and homemade ice cream. Everyone gathered to celebate... it was simple and just plain fun.
This year the Carltons will have a few friends over. Play kickball, drink beer, eat Bob's wonderful BBQ and head up the hill to watch fireworks. Katie has decorated the white board in Red , White , and Blue. She has listed the evening activites and the menu.
It's the simlicity of the day that I love...hang with friends, eat good food, and celebrate our common bond. If only Christmas could be so simple!
Friday, July 01, 2005
Love this quote
Our life is a faint tracing on the surface of mystery, like the idle, curved tunnels of leaf miners on the face of a leaf. We must somehow take a wider view, look at the whole landscape, really see it, and describe what’s going on here. Then we can at least wail the right question into the swaddling band of darkness, or, if it comes to that, choir the proper praise. -- Annie Dillard
via Sister Christler
via Sister Christler
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Decisions
Oh I hate decisions! God seems to be inviting me into deeper absurdity. I just left my old boss who offered me a perfectly nice new job. It would fit with my family life, allow me additional time for myself, and pay some bills. All this said, my spirit says no. Hold true to this time and just wait. A huge part of me wants to yell at God and remind him/her of all my personal limitations and special situations.
Then, there is this little part of me that wonders, what if there is something really wonderful that I am supposed to discover during this time? What if I take the first exit at the foot of the mountain before I really hit the amazing impressive peaks and valleys? What if God and his/her faithfulness is the real deal?
My dear friend, Judith, reminded me to consider the difference between my gifts and my talents. She described gifts as god given talents that flow from us and give us energy. They are not always easy, but they are energy producing. Our skills are our adapted talents that we use as needed in life. They are not bad, but a life only utilizing skills becomes draining. Unfortunately, my skills can produce income and recognition; while my gifts are circular, fluid, and at times, immeasurable.
In our culture, the issue of women’s gifts is so complicated. Society defines success in male terms…strategies, goals, outcomes. Christianity has bought into the patriarchal model limiting both men and women with purpose driven, strategy driven formation tools. Where is the room for the unpredictable power of the Spirit? Where is there a place for intuition? Where is their room for doubt and uncertainty?
Some of my best decisions were like mini earthquakes. I just woke up and the earth had shifted and I had to adapt. I think of my recent decision to leave my job. It had been brewing for a period of time, but I woke up one day and knew that I would not be continuing to work at the Crisis Center. It was totally off plan and yet it was so right... so perfectly timed…so much better than my plan. When I told Katie (my youngest daughter) that I was leaving the Crisis Center she said, ‘Mom, I’m going to be your new boss and I will be paying you in hugs and kisses.” Perhaps God has invited me to a richer place that in his/her kingdom is not absurd at all.
Then, there is this little part of me that wonders, what if there is something really wonderful that I am supposed to discover during this time? What if I take the first exit at the foot of the mountain before I really hit the amazing impressive peaks and valleys? What if God and his/her faithfulness is the real deal?
My dear friend, Judith, reminded me to consider the difference between my gifts and my talents. She described gifts as god given talents that flow from us and give us energy. They are not always easy, but they are energy producing. Our skills are our adapted talents that we use as needed in life. They are not bad, but a life only utilizing skills becomes draining. Unfortunately, my skills can produce income and recognition; while my gifts are circular, fluid, and at times, immeasurable.
In our culture, the issue of women’s gifts is so complicated. Society defines success in male terms…strategies, goals, outcomes. Christianity has bought into the patriarchal model limiting both men and women with purpose driven, strategy driven formation tools. Where is the room for the unpredictable power of the Spirit? Where is there a place for intuition? Where is their room for doubt and uncertainty?
Some of my best decisions were like mini earthquakes. I just woke up and the earth had shifted and I had to adapt. I think of my recent decision to leave my job. It had been brewing for a period of time, but I woke up one day and knew that I would not be continuing to work at the Crisis Center. It was totally off plan and yet it was so right... so perfectly timed…so much better than my plan. When I told Katie (my youngest daughter) that I was leaving the Crisis Center she said, ‘Mom, I’m going to be your new boss and I will be paying you in hugs and kisses.” Perhaps God has invited me to a richer place that in his/her kingdom is not absurd at all.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
My new art/prayer room
I have created a wonderful prayer/art room. I am just thrilled with it. I used to have an art room in the garage...but it was hot and musty in the summer. My new room feels like I am in a tree house. I have many of my favorite treasures...a quilt from my Dad's family,my great grandmother's blanket, pictures of family, the girl's artwork. I made an altar out of an old picnic basket and a tablecloth.
For the past few weeks, I have timidly hung out in my new room. I have had that "first date" feeling---who is going to make the first move? how fast or slow is this relationhip going to go? is this the one?
Today I decided to spend the morning hanging out in my new room. I lit some candles and sat quietly praying. God in his /her infinite wisdom showed up like an old friend. I read the Bible, prayed morning prayer, played with my motherpeace cards (no judgements)...more than anything I felt the warm hand of God sitting beside me encouraging me to live fully into Perfect Love.
Step out a little further.....open your heart a little wider...be still and know that I am God.
For the past few weeks, I have timidly hung out in my new room. I have had that "first date" feeling---who is going to make the first move? how fast or slow is this relationhip going to go? is this the one?
Today I decided to spend the morning hanging out in my new room. I lit some candles and sat quietly praying. God in his /her infinite wisdom showed up like an old friend. I read the Bible, prayed morning prayer, played with my motherpeace cards (no judgements)...more than anything I felt the warm hand of God sitting beside me encouraging me to live fully into Perfect Love.
Step out a little further.....open your heart a little wider...be still and know that I am God.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Waiting
I quit my job. For the past 4+ years I have run a 24 hour Crisis Center. Our phone room always felt like a temple - a holy place where people kept vigil, available for the wounded and the suffering ...like clockwork every four hours twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. My job was to make that holy space work. Keep the workers trained, fed, loved. Listen to their stories after a difficult call. I walked daily with an amazing group of wounded healers. In a sense, I was their priest.
And so I will soon walk away from that holy temple...changed forever. And now I being called to wait, to hold vigil with myself. To listen for where the call and nudge is coming from. To be open to that voice that whispered (and yelled), "It's time to go."
I sit in the open and I wait ...the shore is not in sight...but I am escaping into the open.
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