I recently attended Utne Magazine's Womens Retreat. It was a fantastic three days of art, dance, music, and movement. The theme was Reimagining Ourselves. One of the excecises was to find something in nature that spoke to you.
I took off on a great walk in the Texas Hill Country waiting for something beautiful to call out at me. I kept noticing big rocks. Finally, I stopped a picked a rock weighing about 5 pounds. I wondered what this rock had to say to me. Bored with the whole affair I continued on my walk. After about 5 minutes, I noticed this rock was really slowing me down.
Here is the poem I wrote:
I am moving heavy rocks down,
return to the Earth.
I am rising inward on the mossy path,
arched, sticky, wide mouthed.
I inherit the river, the branches, the Earth.
Birds pulse gracefully.
Wings want to fly.
I am body.
I am Earth.
No longer heavy,
dancing like a snowflake.
I give birth.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Marigold Path Grid Blog: My Grandmother
My Mom and I walked into the hospital to visit my grandmother in intensive care. As we approached the private doors, the doctor walked out and casually said, “She’s gone, she died a few minutes ago.” Looking startled my Mom asked, “What did she die from?” The doctor replied, “from a lack of will to live.”
The words of the doctor stayed in my head. At 16, I wondered how you die from a lack of will to live. She stood just a bit more than five feet. She wasn’t a typical grandmother by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t ever recall playing with her or being tended to by her.
She smelled of cigarettes and Channel #5. Her face frowned downward from years of sadness. I sensed in her the mystery of pain. It both attracted and repulsed me
People wondered if I was sad she died and I did not know. I realized I had not known her.
I see her fingerprints on my life. I was born with an ability to feel and sense the pain of others. I can recall from a very young age feeling her pain, wanting to run from it.
Years later I found myself running a suicide prevention center. I was leading training on suicide and someone asked me what led me to this work. Much to my surprise, I said my grandmother. No one ever talked about my grandmother attempting suicide, but somewhere within me, it registered.
I’d love to speak with her now, to know her story. I sense she was a deeply spiritual woman. I recall sitting at the kitchen table when I was 5 confiding that I had never believed in Santa Claus. Her eyes widened in horror, she felt sorry for my inability to believe.
Before we left the hospital, my Mom called my Dad to tell him the news. My Dad calmly said, “I already know, she died. She’s in heaven.” Needless to say I was a bit weirded out by this. Through the years, I have asked my Dad how he knew. I now “know” he knew. I find some comfort in the fact that my grandmother’s pain is gone and she is resting in a place where all who suffer find ultimate peace.
Perhaps Santa Claus does really exist. I actually did know my grandmother.
The words of the doctor stayed in my head. At 16, I wondered how you die from a lack of will to live. She stood just a bit more than five feet. She wasn’t a typical grandmother by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t ever recall playing with her or being tended to by her.
She smelled of cigarettes and Channel #5. Her face frowned downward from years of sadness. I sensed in her the mystery of pain. It both attracted and repulsed me
People wondered if I was sad she died and I did not know. I realized I had not known her.
I see her fingerprints on my life. I was born with an ability to feel and sense the pain of others. I can recall from a very young age feeling her pain, wanting to run from it.
Years later I found myself running a suicide prevention center. I was leading training on suicide and someone asked me what led me to this work. Much to my surprise, I said my grandmother. No one ever talked about my grandmother attempting suicide, but somewhere within me, it registered.
I’d love to speak with her now, to know her story. I sense she was a deeply spiritual woman. I recall sitting at the kitchen table when I was 5 confiding that I had never believed in Santa Claus. Her eyes widened in horror, she felt sorry for my inability to believe.
Before we left the hospital, my Mom called my Dad to tell him the news. My Dad calmly said, “I already know, she died. She’s in heaven.” Needless to say I was a bit weirded out by this. Through the years, I have asked my Dad how he knew. I now “know” he knew. I find some comfort in the fact that my grandmother’s pain is gone and she is resting in a place where all who suffer find ultimate peace.
Perhaps Santa Claus does really exist. I actually did know my grandmother.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
A new place to worship
We have been worshipping a small church plant for the past few weeks. I enjoy the upbeat music and the good teaching. I haven't really had a chance to get to know the people, but I trust I will connect with them.
This shift is pretty big as I have attended the Episcopal Church my entire life. Being an Epicopalian is my culture in many ways. My Dad has worked for the Church for 25 years. My husband almost became a priest. I am a contmeplative, liturgical person by nature. I typically meet God in mystery and quiet. I am not big on rules or theology. If one were to ask me my theology, it is one of questions rather than answers.
So you may wonder...how/why am I worshipping outside of my home, my comfort zone. I'm not totally sure. Part of it is I want to go to church and hear something challenging...radical, life altering....even if it is uncomfortable or does not fit with my expansive view of God. I still believe that God tranforms and I am worn out of watered down faith.
Many years ago at 18 I wrote out a 4 page single spaced outline of my questions about God and Jesus. Underlying the whole thing was that if any of this mattered then it calls us to a radical life. Over the years, I have certainly grown and changed. However, at my core I still believe in the transforming power of the Spirit. I don't want to get all dogmatic and fundamentalist... I don't believe that is of God. On the other hand, if this whole thing matters then I want to worship with a focus on God's power to transform. I know that buildings, organs, gardens, linens lead many people to God. For me just become a distraction. In the middle of my life, I want faith to matter for me and those I love.
So I make peace with the unattractive auditorium. I miss the flowers and the lovely smells. I deeply miss liturgy. I have no idea where this leads. It feels like a breath of fresh air. I feel reminded that faith is in fact relevant. For me today, that is the greatest gift I ask for ... to expect to be tranformed.
This shift is pretty big as I have attended the Episcopal Church my entire life. Being an Epicopalian is my culture in many ways. My Dad has worked for the Church for 25 years. My husband almost became a priest. I am a contmeplative, liturgical person by nature. I typically meet God in mystery and quiet. I am not big on rules or theology. If one were to ask me my theology, it is one of questions rather than answers.
So you may wonder...how/why am I worshipping outside of my home, my comfort zone. I'm not totally sure. Part of it is I want to go to church and hear something challenging...radical, life altering....even if it is uncomfortable or does not fit with my expansive view of God. I still believe that God tranforms and I am worn out of watered down faith.
Many years ago at 18 I wrote out a 4 page single spaced outline of my questions about God and Jesus. Underlying the whole thing was that if any of this mattered then it calls us to a radical life. Over the years, I have certainly grown and changed. However, at my core I still believe in the transforming power of the Spirit. I don't want to get all dogmatic and fundamentalist... I don't believe that is of God. On the other hand, if this whole thing matters then I want to worship with a focus on God's power to transform. I know that buildings, organs, gardens, linens lead many people to God. For me just become a distraction. In the middle of my life, I want faith to matter for me and those I love.
So I make peace with the unattractive auditorium. I miss the flowers and the lovely smells. I deeply miss liturgy. I have no idea where this leads. It feels like a breath of fresh air. I feel reminded that faith is in fact relevant. For me today, that is the greatest gift I ask for ... to expect to be tranformed.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Open Hands
Our daughter left for college two weeks ago. I wasn't expecting this to be so painful. I have a rich, full life outside of my children. I am not terribly sentimental and yet this has knocked the wind out of me. I told someone I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
Today I decided a little art therapy was in order. I am currently all about Modge Podge. I was drawing the deep hole that I feel in Mary's absence. I was collaging the hole and then started flipping through a magazine. The next thing I knew I had cut out at least 30 images of women's hands and women holding things and few arms lifted high.
The collage was actually quite hopeful. I try not to make too much meaning out of this work. It is really more play for me. However, the hands represented space and an openess to receive.
While my heart still aches, I feel a little more energy wondering what will fill my open hands.
Today I decided a little art therapy was in order. I am currently all about Modge Podge. I was drawing the deep hole that I feel in Mary's absence. I was collaging the hole and then started flipping through a magazine. The next thing I knew I had cut out at least 30 images of women's hands and women holding things and few arms lifted high.
The collage was actually quite hopeful. I try not to make too much meaning out of this work. It is really more play for me. However, the hands represented space and an openess to receive.
While my heart still aches, I feel a little more energy wondering what will fill my open hands.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Collage
I am off work for about 6 weeks. The time is really awesome. We have been bombarded with celebrations: graduation and my parents 50th wedding anniversary. In addition, we have come off a very difficult year.
I don't really have any plans for the time off. Much to my surprise I have begun collaging. This started in the spring when my sister in law and I visited a spa. We took a collage class.
I've been collaging my journal from this past year. It is full of many sad thoughts. I first was thinking of just getting rid of it. Somehow that seemed dishonest, the feelings were very real.
Then I just started collaging. I am adding layers to the story. I know the parts of the story underneath, but I also know many new images and feelings.
I love how the creative spirit guides us in our healing. I had no idea I was going to spend the week covered in Modge Podge.
I don't really have any plans for the time off. Much to my surprise I have begun collaging. This started in the spring when my sister in law and I visited a spa. We took a collage class.
I've been collaging my journal from this past year. It is full of many sad thoughts. I first was thinking of just getting rid of it. Somehow that seemed dishonest, the feelings were very real.
Then I just started collaging. I am adding layers to the story. I know the parts of the story underneath, but I also know many new images and feelings.
I love how the creative spirit guides us in our healing. I had no idea I was going to spend the week covered in Modge Podge.
Friday, June 02, 2006
End Of High School
This morning Mary rushed out the door in a cute green skirt. It was a typical morning not too much chatter, rushing around, and a love you as she walked out the door. However, it was an atypcial morning because today we end this routine. A routine I have loved and hated.
As her little car drove off, I felt like a piercing object had hit me. Nothing could hold back the flood of emotion. We will not be doing this again...ever. This felt so abrupt almost like an assualt.
So I sit here with my coffee and tears that don't want to stop. There is really no way to prepare for endings. They hurt.
As her little car drove off, I felt like a piercing object had hit me. Nothing could hold back the flood of emotion. We will not be doing this again...ever. This felt so abrupt almost like an assualt.
So I sit here with my coffee and tears that don't want to stop. There is really no way to prepare for endings. They hurt.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Night, night
Getting out of the bathtub, I hear Mary's TV on. I begin to talk to her, but realize she has fallen asleep. I walk in to turn off the TV. I can't help but notice how comfy she looks all wrapped in her blanket. I turn off the light and say, "night, night sweetheart." As I glance back at her, I wonder how many times have I tucked this sweet girl in bed.
I think back to putting her to bed as a small child. I would get in bed with her and read. I'd rub her back until I thought she was asleep and then I would try to wiggle out of the bed so she would not know I was leaving. This was a delicate process. If she noticed, our whole routine had to start over. Bob and I would often share our tricks with eachother of how to get out of the bed without being noticed.
Mary learned to fall asleep. She finally now loves to sleep.
Tonight watching her rest reminded me of all the steps it takes for a child to rest peacefully. It's never a completed process. However, tonight I had a sense that this is good. This life and love that we share. This is oh so good.
Earlier this evening we had gone shopping for graduation outfits.
At one point after buying a bunch of clothes, we went to Macy's to find the perfect necklace. Mary found one she thought was just right. She pulled it off the rounder and put it on. Then she said, "I need to see it with the dress." Before I could look up she had put the dress on over her clothes and is standing in the mirror admiring the necklace. "Are you embarrassed?" , she asked. "No, actually I thrilled you are so uninhibited. I think unhibited is underated." She wandered around the jewelery counter with her brown capri's and green polo shirt with a brown halter dress on top. That's my girl.
Night, night sweetheart!
I think back to putting her to bed as a small child. I would get in bed with her and read. I'd rub her back until I thought she was asleep and then I would try to wiggle out of the bed so she would not know I was leaving. This was a delicate process. If she noticed, our whole routine had to start over. Bob and I would often share our tricks with eachother of how to get out of the bed without being noticed.
Mary learned to fall asleep. She finally now loves to sleep.
Tonight watching her rest reminded me of all the steps it takes for a child to rest peacefully. It's never a completed process. However, tonight I had a sense that this is good. This life and love that we share. This is oh so good.
Earlier this evening we had gone shopping for graduation outfits.
At one point after buying a bunch of clothes, we went to Macy's to find the perfect necklace. Mary found one she thought was just right. She pulled it off the rounder and put it on. Then she said, "I need to see it with the dress." Before I could look up she had put the dress on over her clothes and is standing in the mirror admiring the necklace. "Are you embarrassed?" , she asked. "No, actually I thrilled you are so uninhibited. I think unhibited is underated." She wandered around the jewelery counter with her brown capri's and green polo shirt with a brown halter dress on top. That's my girl.
Night, night sweetheart!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Summer is Almost Here
Summer is just around the corner. I love summer. Being outside, going to the beach, gardening, windows open, I love it!
Internally, it feels like an appropriate season. Fall was full of death and dying. Winter just plain sucked. Spring gave signs that perhaps new life would come and alas it has.
Our little family has been through a tough period of time, but light has appeared. Jobs have been found...good jobs, right jobs. A school has been chosen...a great match. All is well as Julian says.
So my plan is to enjoy the coming months. We are blessed with an abundance of celebrations. Mary is graduation from high school. Katie is finsihing elementary school. My parents are having a 50th wedding anniversary party. It will be a season to embrace the many blessings and joys in our life.
Here's a a great summer..........
Internally, it feels like an appropriate season. Fall was full of death and dying. Winter just plain sucked. Spring gave signs that perhaps new life would come and alas it has.
Our little family has been through a tough period of time, but light has appeared. Jobs have been found...good jobs, right jobs. A school has been chosen...a great match. All is well as Julian says.
So my plan is to enjoy the coming months. We are blessed with an abundance of celebrations. Mary is graduation from high school. Katie is finsihing elementary school. My parents are having a 50th wedding anniversary party. It will be a season to embrace the many blessings and joys in our life.
Here's a a great summer..........
Thursday, February 23, 2006
New York
Just back from a wonderful trip to New York with the family. It had been way too long since we had been on a vacation. We saw the sights, did lots of shopping (Bob was a very good sport), visited museums, and dined a number of great spots. We stayed at the Waldorf (thank you Priceline) which was terrific...old world service and luxaries.
Underneath all this, our family had a chance to just have fun. This was oh so good!
* Walking through Central Park
* The Met...one of my favorite places on earth
* A fantastic dinner at a way cool loft looking Italian place
* People watching in the lobby
* Seeing Mamma Mia with Katie our budding actress. Bob and Mary saw Rent.
* Taking a rest with Mary listening to her IPod and girl talking
* The bathtub in the room...it was huge. I love old bathtubs!
* Spending time with Bob without the everyday stressors
* The Central Park Zoo...the girls humored me by going. Mary and I often went to this great little zoo when she was little. It was bittersweet to walk through the exhibits with her now at 18.
Both girls enjoyed the trip. Katie(9) was born in New York. We moved when she was 6 weeks old. She was so excited to visit her birth place. Mary loves the City and it was great to revisit so many places with wonderful memories.
For Bob and I our life has tossed and turned these past 10 years since we left New York. It has been a windy path with some sudden sharp turns. There was soemthing very grounding about revisiting some of our shared history. We arrived in New York at 28 years old with Bob taking a job way too big for someone that age. We play acted in fancy suits, the Junior League, a nanny, etc.. It was a great experience, one I wouldn't trade and one that we outgrew. When we left New York, we quietly began moving away from the fantasy of a rich, cushy life. We wanted more for ourselves than that. Honestly, we have gotten much more.
We have learned to share family responsibities and income earning. We have taken risks and made mistakes. We have taken a messier and richer path.
Now we are at another inflection in that path, there is a certain emptiness. A child soon leaving home. No real plan in place for either of us. Another child about to enter adolescence. The emptiness isn't bad. It is more like something waiting to emerge. We have often held to plans so tightly that life couldn't emerge. I am excited and scared of what will show up on the horizon.
One of the realities I am starting to embrace is that it really is all a journey. There is no destination. The trick is to be open to the sharp and sudden turns. Catch your breath. Love those in your life from with deep compassion. Wake up with wonder.
So this vacation was renewing and provided some perspecitve afer 5 very difficult months. Friday I am headed to LA to go to a spa with my sister in law. This seems like a perfect end to a fantastic week!
Underneath all this, our family had a chance to just have fun. This was oh so good!
* Walking through Central Park
* The Met...one of my favorite places on earth
* A fantastic dinner at a way cool loft looking Italian place
* People watching in the lobby
* Seeing Mamma Mia with Katie our budding actress. Bob and Mary saw Rent.
* Taking a rest with Mary listening to her IPod and girl talking
* The bathtub in the room...it was huge. I love old bathtubs!
* Spending time with Bob without the everyday stressors
* The Central Park Zoo...the girls humored me by going. Mary and I often went to this great little zoo when she was little. It was bittersweet to walk through the exhibits with her now at 18.
Both girls enjoyed the trip. Katie(9) was born in New York. We moved when she was 6 weeks old. She was so excited to visit her birth place. Mary loves the City and it was great to revisit so many places with wonderful memories.
For Bob and I our life has tossed and turned these past 10 years since we left New York. It has been a windy path with some sudden sharp turns. There was soemthing very grounding about revisiting some of our shared history. We arrived in New York at 28 years old with Bob taking a job way too big for someone that age. We play acted in fancy suits, the Junior League, a nanny, etc.. It was a great experience, one I wouldn't trade and one that we outgrew. When we left New York, we quietly began moving away from the fantasy of a rich, cushy life. We wanted more for ourselves than that. Honestly, we have gotten much more.
We have learned to share family responsibities and income earning. We have taken risks and made mistakes. We have taken a messier and richer path.
Now we are at another inflection in that path, there is a certain emptiness. A child soon leaving home. No real plan in place for either of us. Another child about to enter adolescence. The emptiness isn't bad. It is more like something waiting to emerge. We have often held to plans so tightly that life couldn't emerge. I am excited and scared of what will show up on the horizon.
One of the realities I am starting to embrace is that it really is all a journey. There is no destination. The trick is to be open to the sharp and sudden turns. Catch your breath. Love those in your life from with deep compassion. Wake up with wonder.
So this vacation was renewing and provided some perspecitve afer 5 very difficult months. Friday I am headed to LA to go to a spa with my sister in law. This seems like a perfect end to a fantastic week!
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