Holy Week Revisited

Two years ago, I wrote this post about a part of my faith dying. I had a great deal of sadness when I wrote this wondering where god would show up next and if I would recognize her/him. God showed in a huge way in a wonderful little community, Journey Imperfect Faith Community.

While I adore Journey and all that god is showing me in this community, there has been a longing for reconciliation with my tradition. It tugs and nudges at me especially during holy week. As I was processing this with a wise woman- I began reciting the baptismal covenant - we receive you into the household of god.

Tears flowing, I said, They dumped me.

Big pause and then like a 2x4 it hit me- yes, in a moment in time the church made up of imperfect people treated me and my family badly. Then just as I had recited the covenant, I began to list all the church had given me throughout my life - the people taught me about a god , the people who had loved me and the people who did ministered to me. I looked up at the wise woman and she said, "that is what we call acceptance."

This past Sunday on Palm Sunday I at woke at 8:50 rolled out of bed- threw on clothes and was standing at the entry as the organist began playing All Glory Laud and Honor. I stood alone with my palm in hand- unlike two years earlier- I felt it- god was there.

I ran home, picked up the crew and headed to my new community. The kids processed palms in hand- I felt it- god was there.

Reading back through the Service for Holy Baptism in the Book of Common Prayer, I am reminded what was said over me in baptism:

Lisa , you are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism and marked as Christ's own for ever. Amen

Just like the people at the tomb- we get disoriented- god looks different- we are afraid that the end of the story is death. I have found myself holding tightly to little deaths. Yet, in god's own time something new is born. And to that I say- Alleluia. Christ is Risen and in the next breath I say- Shazam!

What Does Money Mean To Me?

Bob shared with me a podcast from Speaking of Faith. It was an interview with Rachel Naomi Remen about the current economic crisis. I was so riveted by it that I listened to it a second time and took notes.

Here they are:
Remen started the discussion by suggesting that the current financial crisis forces us to face three key questions.

1. What can be trusted?

2. What sustains me?

3. What do I really need in order to live?

Remen said that the economy is pointing the finger to a spiritual emptiness that many of us experience. She described money as the densest form of human energy. She then suggested that energy follows beliefs. This moves us to ask: What is a good life?

She described some of the beliefs many of us live by. These include- I am not safe. I am alone. No one will help me. We buy into these beliefs and they become our story. She said they become our small story. The story that tells us that comfort is life's goal. Our deepest yearnings become lost because we are following the small story in order to fill ourselves.

Remen described how her own life has changed. She shared that she is now asking what is important as she shops in the grocery store. She believes we are now awake and uncomfortable. This leaves us asking the question what do I need to let go of? what is worth working for? Human energy becomes valuable again.

This talk reasonated with me on so many levels. Since the first of the year, Bob and I have been meeting every Monday morning to look at our finances and make the plan for the week and track our progress towards our goals. We both suck at managing money. Luckiliy, we both work hard to compensate for this. However, this current crisis has challenged us to become more conscious not just of what we make but also of what we spend. There have been some ugly moments as we face the reality of our own over spending and waste. However, there has also been some newfound joy.

I really like to cook. I have been cooking quite creatively to make food go further. Eating out has become the luxary it was meant to be rather than a mutliple times a week activity. These could all just seem like tactics, but they are actually more than that. At the root, we are deciding what is really important to us. What gets cut first? What is holy to us and will be the last thing to go? Even more than that, I have been reminded as Remen points out what sustains me. The things that sustain me are pretty simple- the people I love, a hot bath, warm coffee, books ( I got a library card), a journal, an internet connection. Truth is I don't require all of these things to be happy. I can be sustained simply by the people I love.

Our dear pastor,Rick, said on Sunday- what if we just have to live on less. For some reason that stuck with me- I can handle that. I will not die from that. I might even become a better more interesting and creative person from it. I might find a way to live into a bigger story that is not limited by the stuff that the lulls me to sleep.

New Year- Be Present and Love

It's a new year and I have been thinking a great deal about where my life is moving in the coming year. Last year was rich- full of new people, new relationships, a great deal of travel, a new home base. At the beginning of 2008, I made a collage of my intentions for the year- it was very colorful, vibrant, maybe even a bit chaotic. Interestingly, the year was very similar to my collage.

I have had trouble so far this year making a collage for 2009. My intention is not as clear as it was last year.

Part of me would love life to slow down a bit. I'd love to take a little more time to breathe, to meditate, to do art, to write. I'm not sure that this requires life to slow down or me to be more intentional in my practice. Maybe it is a little of both- I can't really meditate or pray on super speed.

I also have some things that I really want to see grow in the coming year. My new business, www.collegematchpoint.com. In addition, I want to deepen the friendships and relationships that were born in 2008. Learning to be more vulnerable with people was huge for me in the last year.

More than anything, I want to be fully alive and aware in each moment. To enjoy and love those I am with. When I think back over the last year little moments of joy hold fast in my memory:

- Hiking on a sunny day with Bob as we celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary
- Wrapping 21 crazy presents for Mary for her 21st birthday
- Watching Katie and her crew dress up in camo to toilet paper a house
- Pulling the yarn down on Easter morning at Journey
- Sitting in our Fred Group in a moment of deep pain and feeling an equal amount of
deep love
- Watching Bob, Mary, and Katie laugh at me as the waves crushed me at the ocean
- Sharing our love of creativity with friends at an art party
- Enjoying a perfect (and I mean perfect) cup of coffee in LA
- Going to Sedona with women I didn't know and coming back with real friends
- Flying kites on the beach with the Grodems
- Having dinner, wine and the best conversation with Jane
- Enjoying a long visit with my Mom in May
- Seeing my dearest friend, Teresa, after 10 years
- Hearing a student say, "there is hope for me."

I could go on and on with great little moments. There were of course moments of deep sadness as well. We experienced our first death of a friend this year- a close friend. It broke our hearts and still does, but getting to be present with him and his family through the illness was an amazing gift.

I'm not sure there is any plan for me this year other than to be present and love. As for the collage, the trick is always not to overthink it- just choose images and go for it. This time next year maybe the images will make sense.

Friday Morning Ramble

The past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Mary was here for 2 weeks. It was so lovely- I don't really have words for it. We talked and talked. We laughed. Our little family came together in wonderful little moments- playing cards under a tree, going to the movies, bike riding. I was struck how much Mary had grown up during these two years in college. She is thoughtful, deeply engaged, and quirky as ever. I just love being her Mom and this new phase of our relationship.

My Katie, turned 12 and is embracing her inner teen with great passion. I am humbled and amazed at well she adapted to her new hometown. We had a great birthday party for her. Texas agrees with my little girl and I could not be happier.

My Mom visited us for a week while my Dad was in in Africa on a mission trip. We had a great time. It was fun to have a chance for her to catch up with Mary.

Towards the end of my Dad's trip he had a serious fall in Africa and shattered his shoulder. He had to return early and have a full shoulder replacement. He is doing well and has been well supported by a loving community.

That's the news.....

Me- I'm both tired and energized. I've been going very fast for the past 8 weeks or so. I keep dreaming of curling up with a book by the ocean and unwinding. In California, when life got tough I would head over the hill to Half Moon Bay. The first site of the ocean would allow me to breath. There is lots of beauty around me in Texas, but I haven't found that spot or it hasn't found me. At the same time, I am so deeply humbled and thrilled with the connections in my life. My kids love me and teach more that I could ever imagine. My parents continue to grow in a way that I hope to follow. My sweet, sweet husband loves me and supports me through it all. This all sounds a little cliche as I type, but it's not. It's messy at times, but I am very happy with where my life has landed.

My work with Schools Attuned has been very good this year. I have really enjoyed working with teachers and helping them in their quest to reach all learners. I have been imagining a new business to start. It is fun to think about new possiblitilies and the synergies of my background in counseling, teens, and education. I'm thinking of starting an educational consulting practice focused on the post secondary options for teens with learning differences or mental health issues. This summer I'm finishing up my certificate at UCLA in College Counseling. It's going to be fun to see where this goes.

Our community continues to be a huge blessing and support. We have an every other home group which has exceeded my expectations. I love coming together as a group and the space we have created for each other. I still deeply miss my Anglican roots and tradition. This feels like a wound that has not yet healed or resolved.

This Friday morning after a long update- I feel grateful for beyond words for all the people in my life. I am a tired lucky woman.

Happy 12th Birthday Katie

Katie Grace Carlton came bolting into the world 12 years ago. She rocked my world. Such a strong, creative force- she really made me take a look at myself in a different way. Few things can melt my heart like those big blue eyes and curly blonde hair. Katie makes me laugh, she makes me think but more than anything she makes me feel oh so loved. I a am lucky, lucky woman. Happy Birthday Katie...your Mama loves you!

My new "space"

For the past 7 years or so, I have always had a "space" that is just mine. It started in my late thirties when my spirit was hungering for a deeper connection to god. In a fit of wild abandon- I created an art room in my garage. This was quite unexpected as I am not an artist.

Katie was about 4 at the time. Each day while she napped I went into this space. Sometimes I wrote. Other times I painted some very weird pictures. Then I began journaling on the back of the pictures. Some days I would write out my thoughts on a big white board. Mostly, I just showed up. It was a rich time for my soul.

I went back to work about a year after the garage art room. I deeply missed my daily ventures to the spirit world. I could see that some of my friends were relieved
that I was coming out of my little hermitage.

The garage room was dark. It was private. It was a phase. I only had books from women authors. The "he" god was not welcome.

I have tried to recreate this space in all our houses since that time. It has always been a bit disppointing. No room has quite the grit and intimacy of my old, musty garage.

This morning I was praying out on my screened porch. It's raining. The music is playing. For some reason, the kids in the house behind me are outside in the rain. The table is covered with art materials.

I get it. My new room is wide open. No hiding here. The neighbors can see me. The birds and the squirrels. The cute neighbor cat that keeps me company most days. Friends are invited to break bread here. My new room -the room for my spirit is wide open. Fresh air. The rain is leaking in just a bit. The intertwining of nature and community are inviting my spirit to escape into the open.

Spring Cleaning

Today we did some awesome spring cleaning. We rearranged some furniture, threw out some things we haven't used in 8 months. It was very refreshing.

Internally, I have been doing some spring cleaning as well. I have been looking at some of my deeply held beliefs- those beliefs we form early in life to make the world a safe place. Something about hitting this mid life point makes me much less tolerant with some of my deeply held beliefs. I no longer feel willing to "obey" them which is causing a weird twist in my emotional life.

As long as I can remember, I have made people happy or comfortable. In of itself- this is a good thing- perhaps even a gift from god. However, I don't think god put me here to just make everyone happy and comfortable and I find myself tiring of this role. I don't want to dance as fast as I can to jump through hoops to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.

This week someone asked me to speak with a friend whose son was feeling suicidal. This was a reasonable request as I have done this for many people over the years. However, when this request came in- my soul shouted- No! Hmmm, I thought, how selfish. I sat with it for a few minutes and decided to give the person a referral. She was cool with it.

For me, I realized that I am not open 24/7 for everyone's problems. I care deeply about people and I am committed to being there 24/7 for my family and dear friends, but I am not giving myself away to anyone and everyone. It feels bitchy just to type that.

Here's the deal- there can be a fair amount of ego involved in "helping" eveyone. They need me, therefore, I am powerful and important. I never need them; therefore, I am self sufficient and superior.....not!

My call right now seems to be learning to become vulnerable. Admitting that sometimes I am tired or down or unsure. I have to learn to let others be with me- to trust others. I find this so difficult. Somewhere deep within I am unsure how that is going to play out. I am so much more comfortable with other people's issues and pain, but so much less comfortable sharing my own.

In my spring cleaning- I am losing the open 24/7 for business sign. I am also opening the door to my soul and letting other be there for me. I hate to throw things out. I always worry I'll need them one day. I'm notorious for going back and grabbing the things out of the bag. The old clothes are already at the Good will. Hopefully, my internal care taker is enjoying a nice vacation on a sunny island far away. Good riddance, my friend.