The past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Mary was here for 2 weeks. It was so lovely- I don't really have words for it. We talked and talked. We laughed. Our little family came together in wonderful little moments- playing cards under a tree, going to the movies, bike riding. I was struck how much Mary had grown up during these two years in college. She is thoughtful, deeply engaged, and quirky as ever. I just love being her Mom and this new phase of our relationship.
My Katie, turned 12 and is embracing her inner teen with great passion. I am humbled and amazed at well she adapted to her new hometown. We had a great birthday party for her. Texas agrees with my little girl and I could not be happier.
My Mom visited us for a week while my Dad was in in Africa on a mission trip. We had a great time. It was fun to have a chance for her to catch up with Mary.
Towards the end of my Dad's trip he had a serious fall in Africa and shattered his shoulder. He had to return early and have a full shoulder replacement. He is doing well and has been well supported by a loving community.
That's the news.....
Me- I'm both tired and energized. I've been going very fast for the past 8 weeks or so. I keep dreaming of curling up with a book by the ocean and unwinding. In California, when life got tough I would head over the hill to Half Moon Bay. The first site of the ocean would allow me to breath. There is lots of beauty around me in Texas, but I haven't found that spot or it hasn't found me. At the same time, I am so deeply humbled and thrilled with the connections in my life. My kids love me and teach more that I could ever imagine. My parents continue to grow in a way that I hope to follow. My sweet, sweet husband loves me and supports me through it all. This all sounds a little cliche as I type, but it's not. It's messy at times, but I am very happy with where my life has landed.
My work with Schools Attuned has been very good this year. I have really enjoyed working with teachers and helping them in their quest to reach all learners. I have been imagining a new business to start. It is fun to think about new possiblitilies and the synergies of my background in counseling, teens, and education. I'm thinking of starting an educational consulting practice focused on the post secondary options for teens with learning differences or mental health issues. This summer I'm finishing up my certificate at UCLA in College Counseling. It's going to be fun to see where this goes.
Our community continues to be a huge blessing and support. We have an every other home group which has exceeded my expectations. I love coming together as a group and the space we have created for each other. I still deeply miss my Anglican roots and tradition. This feels like a wound that has not yet healed or resolved.
This Friday morning after a long update- I feel grateful for beyond words for all the people in my life. I am a tired lucky woman.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Happy 12th Birthday Katie
Katie Grace Carlton came bolting into the world 12 years ago. She rocked my world. Such a strong, creative force- she really made me take a look at myself in a different way. Few things can melt my heart like those big blue eyes and curly blonde hair. Katie makes me laugh, she makes me think but more than anything she makes me feel oh so loved. I a am lucky, lucky woman. Happy Birthday Katie...your Mama loves you!
Monday, May 05, 2008
My new "space"
For the past 7 years or so, I have always had a "space" that is just mine. It started in my late thirties when my spirit was hungering for a deeper connection to god. In a fit of wild abandon- I created an art room in my garage. This was quite unexpected as I am not an artist.
Katie was about 4 at the time. Each day while she napped I went into this space. Sometimes I wrote. Other times I painted some very weird pictures. Then I began journaling on the back of the pictures. Some days I would write out my thoughts on a big white board. Mostly, I just showed up. It was a rich time for my soul.
I went back to work about a year after the garage art room. I deeply missed my daily ventures to the spirit world. I could see that some of my friends were relieved
that I was coming out of my little hermitage.
The garage room was dark. It was private. It was a phase. I only had books from women authors. The "he" god was not welcome.
I have tried to recreate this space in all our houses since that time. It has always been a bit disppointing. No room has quite the grit and intimacy of my old, musty garage.
This morning I was praying out on my screened porch. It's raining. The music is playing. For some reason, the kids in the house behind me are outside in the rain. The table is covered with art materials.
I get it. My new room is wide open. No hiding here. The neighbors can see me. The birds and the squirrels. The cute neighbor cat that keeps me company most days. Friends are invited to break bread here. My new room -the room for my spirit is wide open. Fresh air. The rain is leaking in just a bit. The intertwining of nature and community are inviting my spirit to escape into the open.
Katie was about 4 at the time. Each day while she napped I went into this space. Sometimes I wrote. Other times I painted some very weird pictures. Then I began journaling on the back of the pictures. Some days I would write out my thoughts on a big white board. Mostly, I just showed up. It was a rich time for my soul.
I went back to work about a year after the garage art room. I deeply missed my daily ventures to the spirit world. I could see that some of my friends were relieved
that I was coming out of my little hermitage.
The garage room was dark. It was private. It was a phase. I only had books from women authors. The "he" god was not welcome.
I have tried to recreate this space in all our houses since that time. It has always been a bit disppointing. No room has quite the grit and intimacy of my old, musty garage.
This morning I was praying out on my screened porch. It's raining. The music is playing. For some reason, the kids in the house behind me are outside in the rain. The table is covered with art materials.
I get it. My new room is wide open. No hiding here. The neighbors can see me. The birds and the squirrels. The cute neighbor cat that keeps me company most days. Friends are invited to break bread here. My new room -the room for my spirit is wide open. Fresh air. The rain is leaking in just a bit. The intertwining of nature and community are inviting my spirit to escape into the open.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Spring Cleaning
Today we did some awesome spring cleaning. We rearranged some furniture, threw out some things we haven't used in 8 months. It was very refreshing.
Internally, I have been doing some spring cleaning as well. I have been looking at some of my deeply held beliefs- those beliefs we form early in life to make the world a safe place. Something about hitting this mid life point makes me much less tolerant with some of my deeply held beliefs. I no longer feel willing to "obey" them which is causing a weird twist in my emotional life.
As long as I can remember, I have made people happy or comfortable. In of itself- this is a good thing- perhaps even a gift from god. However, I don't think god put me here to just make everyone happy and comfortable and I find myself tiring of this role. I don't want to dance as fast as I can to jump through hoops to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.
This week someone asked me to speak with a friend whose son was feeling suicidal. This was a reasonable request as I have done this for many people over the years. However, when this request came in- my soul shouted- No! Hmmm, I thought, how selfish. I sat with it for a few minutes and decided to give the person a referral. She was cool with it.
For me, I realized that I am not open 24/7 for everyone's problems. I care deeply about people and I am committed to being there 24/7 for my family and dear friends, but I am not giving myself away to anyone and everyone. It feels bitchy just to type that.
Here's the deal- there can be a fair amount of ego involved in "helping" eveyone. They need me, therefore, I am powerful and important. I never need them; therefore, I am self sufficient and superior.....not!
My call right now seems to be learning to become vulnerable. Admitting that sometimes I am tired or down or unsure. I have to learn to let others be with me- to trust others. I find this so difficult. Somewhere deep within I am unsure how that is going to play out. I am so much more comfortable with other people's issues and pain, but so much less comfortable sharing my own.
In my spring cleaning- I am losing the open 24/7 for business sign. I am also opening the door to my soul and letting other be there for me. I hate to throw things out. I always worry I'll need them one day. I'm notorious for going back and grabbing the things out of the bag. The old clothes are already at the Good will. Hopefully, my internal care taker is enjoying a nice vacation on a sunny island far away. Good riddance, my friend.
Internally, I have been doing some spring cleaning as well. I have been looking at some of my deeply held beliefs- those beliefs we form early in life to make the world a safe place. Something about hitting this mid life point makes me much less tolerant with some of my deeply held beliefs. I no longer feel willing to "obey" them which is causing a weird twist in my emotional life.
As long as I can remember, I have made people happy or comfortable. In of itself- this is a good thing- perhaps even a gift from god. However, I don't think god put me here to just make everyone happy and comfortable and I find myself tiring of this role. I don't want to dance as fast as I can to jump through hoops to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.
This week someone asked me to speak with a friend whose son was feeling suicidal. This was a reasonable request as I have done this for many people over the years. However, when this request came in- my soul shouted- No! Hmmm, I thought, how selfish. I sat with it for a few minutes and decided to give the person a referral. She was cool with it.
For me, I realized that I am not open 24/7 for everyone's problems. I care deeply about people and I am committed to being there 24/7 for my family and dear friends, but I am not giving myself away to anyone and everyone. It feels bitchy just to type that.
Here's the deal- there can be a fair amount of ego involved in "helping" eveyone. They need me, therefore, I am powerful and important. I never need them; therefore, I am self sufficient and superior.....not!
My call right now seems to be learning to become vulnerable. Admitting that sometimes I am tired or down or unsure. I have to learn to let others be with me- to trust others. I find this so difficult. Somewhere deep within I am unsure how that is going to play out. I am so much more comfortable with other people's issues and pain, but so much less comfortable sharing my own.
In my spring cleaning- I am losing the open 24/7 for business sign. I am also opening the door to my soul and letting other be there for me. I hate to throw things out. I always worry I'll need them one day. I'm notorious for going back and grabbing the things out of the bag. The old clothes are already at the Good will. Hopefully, my internal care taker is enjoying a nice vacation on a sunny island far away. Good riddance, my friend.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Creating Dream/Prayer Boxes
This weekend I had the lovely opportunity to facilitate a booth at A Spacious Day, a part of the very cool A Spacious Place organization.
Creating a Dream/Prayer Box
Instructions:
1. Spend a little quiet time thinking about the intention for your box. What do you
want it to hold? Is there a specific theme for your box? What color is that? What shape?
2. Pick a box and decorate it. Be creative.
3. Take some time to meditate on the words you want to put in the box. They may be very specific or general. You may want to use just one word or a series of words.
4. Add words to your box as new prayers or dreams open up.
5. Re-visit your box occasionally and offer gratitude for what has unfolded.
6. Enjoy!
Here is poem that might help you in your reflection:
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Creating a Dream/Prayer Box
Instructions:
1. Spend a little quiet time thinking about the intention for your box. What do you
want it to hold? Is there a specific theme for your box? What color is that? What shape?
2. Pick a box and decorate it. Be creative.
3. Take some time to meditate on the words you want to put in the box. They may be very specific or general. You may want to use just one word or a series of words.
4. Add words to your box as new prayers or dreams open up.
5. Re-visit your box occasionally and offer gratitude for what has unfolded.
6. Enjoy!
Here is poem that might help you in your reflection:
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Two Worlds Colliding
We pulled into the drive overlooking the lovely Texas hill country. The sun was beginning to set. As we walked down the path towards the lovely home, my body relaxed looking forward to an intimate evening of music. Many warm faces greeted us from our amazing faith community. Gratitude filled my heart as I thought how much comfort and love I feel from these new people in my life.
We scouted out two lovely aisle seats and then walked outside explore the natural beauty. We grabbed a delicious cup of peach tea before heading back to our seats. The room was intimate holding about 100 people -big beamed ceilings, lovely stone fireplace – candles burning. My soul settled deep into the seat.
As I scanned the room I noticed a face that looked vaguely familiar. I was going through my internal Rolodex. No she was not a Journeyer. Slowly, I realized that she was from another part of my life. Then it hit me, Sally Smith. An ordinary woman- she too had aged over the 15 years since I had seen her. In many ways Sally Smith was just a passing person in my life. Our paths probably only crossed over a 3 month period. Sally and I participated in a Christian Women’s Group in the early 90’s or late 80’s – not really sure.
Here is what I do remember. Sally was real, authentic, and messy. I was instantly attracted to something in her soul. She wrestled and questioned and I was entranced. Was this really allowed in The Church of Incarnation - the very traditional parish where my mother was raised and married, where the people did not pass the peace because it was invasive. Yes- according to Sally this was allowed and I was in!
Weeks of the group proceeded- stuff was shared in that group that still amazes me. One of the most uptight women I’d ever met- perfectly coiffed hair, tight plaid jacket- began to unpack all the things that were hiding under her neatly polished exterior. Sally as our group leader held no judgment to the rigidity or to the desperate need to let it go. At twenty-six or twenty-seven I felt like I had been allowed into the real show and I was fascinated.
I was a bit of an emotional later bloomer. At 27, I had not separated emotionally. I followed the rules and lived closely to the script. Our group leader, Sally, honed in on me like a laser beam. Gently, she encouraged me. I left those weekly meetings wondering who I was and how I really wanted to fit into this world. Internally, I started questioning all the walls that were holding me in.
I saw Sally a few times individually. I don’t’ recall much about the session except that I felt freed to begin to ask the question-who am I? No- I did not want to spend my life dancing to anyone else’s song. I had absolutely no idea how to find my song. However, sitting in that office across from Sally one thing was for sure – I wanted to step out and try to dance.
Sally moved away. Within a year we left Texas and moved to New York. As I tried to figure out who was this girl in the mirror my life, my dance was clumsy- I fell more often than I soared- but slowly an ever-dim rhythm began to beat.
As I approached Sally to re-introduce myself– she looked a little blank and then I could see the recognition in her face. She recalled how meaningful our little group had been. She and her husband also just moved back to Texas after years of living out of state. Her children that played with Mary in the church nursery are now grown. She inquired about my little girl. My little girl grew up into an amazing young woman. I had another baby years later I said. Hardly a baby now- but so much moves and changes in 15 years. Her husband joined the conversation. In a weird twist of fate he too had gone to Episcopal seminary in the last 10 years and ended up leaving with deep wounds as well. They asked the inevitable – where do you go to church? I tried to describe Journey- I felt myself back pedaling about why we had left the mothership. She interrupted and said we’d love to visit there with you some Sunday. Without words we acknowledged that life with the mothership had been complicated. After chatting for about 10 minutes, we hugged, really hugged- honoring a spiritual connection of the past.
I woke up this morning wondering if we will ever meet again or if in that one glorious night with perfect music my two worlds collided into beautiful harmony.
We scouted out two lovely aisle seats and then walked outside explore the natural beauty. We grabbed a delicious cup of peach tea before heading back to our seats. The room was intimate holding about 100 people -big beamed ceilings, lovely stone fireplace – candles burning. My soul settled deep into the seat.
As I scanned the room I noticed a face that looked vaguely familiar. I was going through my internal Rolodex. No she was not a Journeyer. Slowly, I realized that she was from another part of my life. Then it hit me, Sally Smith. An ordinary woman- she too had aged over the 15 years since I had seen her. In many ways Sally Smith was just a passing person in my life. Our paths probably only crossed over a 3 month period. Sally and I participated in a Christian Women’s Group in the early 90’s or late 80’s – not really sure.
Here is what I do remember. Sally was real, authentic, and messy. I was instantly attracted to something in her soul. She wrestled and questioned and I was entranced. Was this really allowed in The Church of Incarnation - the very traditional parish where my mother was raised and married, where the people did not pass the peace because it was invasive. Yes- according to Sally this was allowed and I was in!
Weeks of the group proceeded- stuff was shared in that group that still amazes me. One of the most uptight women I’d ever met- perfectly coiffed hair, tight plaid jacket- began to unpack all the things that were hiding under her neatly polished exterior. Sally as our group leader held no judgment to the rigidity or to the desperate need to let it go. At twenty-six or twenty-seven I felt like I had been allowed into the real show and I was fascinated.
I was a bit of an emotional later bloomer. At 27, I had not separated emotionally. I followed the rules and lived closely to the script. Our group leader, Sally, honed in on me like a laser beam. Gently, she encouraged me. I left those weekly meetings wondering who I was and how I really wanted to fit into this world. Internally, I started questioning all the walls that were holding me in.
I saw Sally a few times individually. I don’t’ recall much about the session except that I felt freed to begin to ask the question-who am I? No- I did not want to spend my life dancing to anyone else’s song. I had absolutely no idea how to find my song. However, sitting in that office across from Sally one thing was for sure – I wanted to step out and try to dance.
Sally moved away. Within a year we left Texas and moved to New York. As I tried to figure out who was this girl in the mirror my life, my dance was clumsy- I fell more often than I soared- but slowly an ever-dim rhythm began to beat.
As I approached Sally to re-introduce myself– she looked a little blank and then I could see the recognition in her face. She recalled how meaningful our little group had been. She and her husband also just moved back to Texas after years of living out of state. Her children that played with Mary in the church nursery are now grown. She inquired about my little girl. My little girl grew up into an amazing young woman. I had another baby years later I said. Hardly a baby now- but so much moves and changes in 15 years. Her husband joined the conversation. In a weird twist of fate he too had gone to Episcopal seminary in the last 10 years and ended up leaving with deep wounds as well. They asked the inevitable – where do you go to church? I tried to describe Journey- I felt myself back pedaling about why we had left the mothership. She interrupted and said we’d love to visit there with you some Sunday. Without words we acknowledged that life with the mothership had been complicated. After chatting for about 10 minutes, we hugged, really hugged- honoring a spiritual connection of the past.
I woke up this morning wondering if we will ever meet again or if in that one glorious night with perfect music my two worlds collided into beautiful harmony.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Unraveling The Yarn
I felt almost sad today that our wonderful, messy art installation would not be hanging above us next week. I like to look up and see my messiness intertwined with those of my fellow travelers. I have grown attached to the yarn and to the burdens that I have affixed to it.
During holy week, I want to surrender these burdens – to give them up, to detach from them. This scares me. The idea of hanging them from the yarn was vulnerable, but the idea of letting them die at the foot of the cross is terrifying.
I realize that this is not one of those try harder moments. However, with God’s grace this could actually happen.
What would be born on the other side of that?
Truth is – I have no idea. Therein lies my fear.
I know that God loves me and that I am to love others. My mapping and planning abilities have failed me. However, if I am honest with myself I hear little stirrings – hints of where the Spirit is calling me.
Not surprising they are related to the words I wrote on the index card.
God seems to be calling me to step out of my comfort zone as it relates to money. This is an area where I still hold tightly to a plan. I’m not sure if the plan is the problem or the underlying mission of the plan. What if I viewed money as something given to me by God to do well in the world? My fear radar kicks into overdrive just after typing that. I begin to worry about retirement, college educations, house painting, the landscaping I wanted to do. I really was not put on this planet to die with a big retirement or even to send my kids to the best colleges or to have the most beautiful paint job. I am called to be Jesus on this earth. I want to walk to the cross with this in my heart.
Of course, all this seems to always lead back to shutting up the fear voice in my head that speaks with a loud megaphone. Stop… I want to scream at the fear. Love trumps fear each time. The trick is to hold so tightly to love that there is no room for fear. Love takes me outside of my life and myself to the world around me. As I move outside of myself, my worries subside.
Here’s my prayer for holy week:
God wake me up. Help me to have the courage to step out from my comfort. Let me wrap myself so tightly in your love that fear cannot enter. Open my heart to love those who come in my path. Loosen my grip. Keep me somewhat unsteady as I move towards the cross. Let your love grow in me with great abundance.
During holy week, I want to surrender these burdens – to give them up, to detach from them. This scares me. The idea of hanging them from the yarn was vulnerable, but the idea of letting them die at the foot of the cross is terrifying.
I realize that this is not one of those try harder moments. However, with God’s grace this could actually happen.
What would be born on the other side of that?
Truth is – I have no idea. Therein lies my fear.
I know that God loves me and that I am to love others. My mapping and planning abilities have failed me. However, if I am honest with myself I hear little stirrings – hints of where the Spirit is calling me.
Not surprising they are related to the words I wrote on the index card.
God seems to be calling me to step out of my comfort zone as it relates to money. This is an area where I still hold tightly to a plan. I’m not sure if the plan is the problem or the underlying mission of the plan. What if I viewed money as something given to me by God to do well in the world? My fear radar kicks into overdrive just after typing that. I begin to worry about retirement, college educations, house painting, the landscaping I wanted to do. I really was not put on this planet to die with a big retirement or even to send my kids to the best colleges or to have the most beautiful paint job. I am called to be Jesus on this earth. I want to walk to the cross with this in my heart.
Of course, all this seems to always lead back to shutting up the fear voice in my head that speaks with a loud megaphone. Stop… I want to scream at the fear. Love trumps fear each time. The trick is to hold so tightly to love that there is no room for fear. Love takes me outside of my life and myself to the world around me. As I move outside of myself, my worries subside.
Here’s my prayer for holy week:
God wake me up. Help me to have the courage to step out from my comfort. Let me wrap myself so tightly in your love that fear cannot enter. Open my heart to love those who come in my path. Loosen my grip. Keep me somewhat unsteady as I move towards the cross. Let your love grow in me with great abundance.
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About Me
- lisa carlton
- Hmmm...Who am I? let's see the facts first. I'm 45 years old, married to my high school sweet heart, Bob. I have two amazing daughters who are my best life teachers, Katie, 11; Mary, 20. I'm a mess most of the time, but everyone always thinks I really have it together. I love to listen to people and hear their stories. Art and writing are my spiritual practices. I deeply believe in god and that god is love. My theology is wide and constantly changing. When I was 18 I wrote out 4 pages single spaced on spiritual questions I had about life. I'm not sure I've answered any of them.