I Miss......

Grief- feelings of loss- that's where I'm sitting today.

While I love being in Austin and I wouldn't change the decision, I am grieving what was left behind.

• I miss history, shared history. Ten years in one place holds lots of my life, my kids lives. To date the biggest decisions, mistakes, and victories took place there. All of the souls who shared life with me, they held this history with me. Now, I feel like I am holding it all and it sometimes feels like it bubbles over.

• I miss routines. Where do you buy a decent cheap Christmas tree? Isn't there a Saturday sandwich shop that knows I want a turkey sandwich on an oatmeal roll with cranberry sauce? If I am running late, of course they held one back for me.

• I miss daily contact with old friends. You know the friends who know you aren't okay when you say you are. Who remind you that the last time you tried that it didn't work out so well. Yes, you do love him when you want to kill him. They are going to be fine she reassures you as you worry over your children and she says this with conviction because she has seen them in their worst moments.

• I miss spiritual landmarks. I'm upset and confused and I head over the hill to the beach. The first glimpse of the ocean causes my body to relax. Walking through the door of Mt. Calvary Monastery, god will find me here. Places to run to-places that are touch stones to the holy. These physical spots have been critical to my spiritual sanity.

• I miss remembering. Seeing my friend drive by with her kids in her car reminds me that her husband is very ill. Seeing the courtyard at the elementary school and recalling the quiet sobs as a beloved teacher died unexpectedly. Seeing the candles lit on San Calos Avenue after 9/11. Looking out at the high school and seeing my sweet daughter walk across the stage.
  

Taking a Mental Health Day

Today I'm rising slowly. I've decided to take a mental health day. I have minimal work that needs to get done today. I'm going to recharge the batteries-read, sleep, eat a good breakfast, lunch and dinner, take a shower, read , sleep.

For the past week, I have felt myself worn and tired. Yesterday I found my to do list from the last day of the move. I read through it and thought no wonder I'm feeling a little ragged. This has been a big 6 months.

One of the things I have learned in the past five years is to surrender to these moments. When I try to push through life gets ugly.

I'm off to fluff my pillows and settle into a nice quiet day.

Blessing to you this day.

Unsettled

a tired day...lots of work, a little conflict, feeling more than a little unsettled. life transitions are hard. today was a day when i'd like to go have coffee or wine with my friend, jane and just chat till the burdens settle and the clouds move.

i hate typing that i'm tired or that i have a not so good day. i hate that I let a coworker get me all worked up. i hate that i sometimes feel very high maintenance. all this staying awake and feeling your feelings is good most of the time, but some days i just want to go back to ignoring shit. not noticing that i am feeling unsettled.

yep there is no pretty bow on things with me tonight. i am tired. i feel a little worn by the journey.

It is good

What a lovely day!

We went to church and then to lunch with some new friends. It was great to hear about their lives and interests. It was fun for Katie to be running around with a bunch of kids. We have missed the looseness of connecting with other families...kids running around, adults trying to complete a story without interruption.

Church was so moving today. It was missions Sunday and all the non profits that Journey supports were represented. I had no idea how much outreach takes place through Journey. I connected with Kathy from Project Help (an agency that supports homeless children in AISD) and I may be able to complete some of my licensing counseling hours by offering her some pro bono work.

On Sunday afternoons, I have been participating in a wonderful program called Spirit Whispers. We gather around a theme each week. The session begins with music and a visual meditation. Then, the best part is each week we have a choice of two art projects.

Today the choice was movie making or watercolors. I chose watercolors. In our group we painted a painful memory and then used water to transform the picture. The theme was living water. This session was very powerful for me. My memory was represented as a big red blob and it would did not really change with the added water. At first I was getting a little annoyed. Then I started changing the colors around it. The wound was still present, but the environment where it was sitting had been transformed. It's just part of my story.

I have participated in more retreats and religious programs than I could list, but this is the real deal. People are so moved and renewed by this process. On Friday night I was telling Bob how I was so excited for Sunday afternoon to arrive. He said wouldn't it be great if all people felt that way about going to church.

Tonight, Bob cooked a wonderful mixed grill. This has been a tradition we have had for years. Somehow it got a bit lost in the move. Tonight life feels grounded. We are here. It is good.

Taking the Test

I graduated with my Master in Counseling in 1991. In my final interview with my Professor I told him that my Practicum had taught me this was the worst job a human could hold. I said I'd rather flip burgers at McDonalds than listen to people all day who have no interest in changing. Ouch.

Life just hadn't taken me on enough twists and turns yet to realize the holiness of listening and being present with another.

On April 4 I am taking a big step towards becoming a licensed therapist. I'm taking the dreaded National Counselor Exam. I really want to pass it the first time.

I have started studying. Luckily, running a Crisis Center requires one to get very knowledgeable on laws and ehics. Unfortunately, not so much help with the dreaded statistics. Bob was a stat tutor in college so he'll help with that.

I'm really not real clear where I'm going with this licensing thing. For years, I have been a proud rebel unwilling to conform and jump through all these hoops. My old agency had to make a special clinical loop hole to keep me employed running the Crisis Center. I sort of loved teaching stiff graduate students and they'd ask me how long I'd been licensed and I'd say...not licensed...never licensed. Now that we are living in one place and not moving around like corporate gypsies it just makes sense.

Truth is I'm a Therapist....I hate to admit that... I feel like I need to defend that and explain that I actually don't like sitting around staring at my belly button. I actually like movement and change. Oh well...it just is....and so I will take the test and see where I go next.

Hula Hooping In The Park

From Numerica

I wish I had a camera to capture the wonderful woman, alone in the big field on the south side of Barton Springs. She was hula hooping in the middle of the large field all by herself. She wasn't a young woman, maybe 50 dressed in jeans and a nice sweater and she was hula hooping her heart out. My radio was cranked listening to a little old folk music and I just thought you go girl, you hula hoop the day away.

Here's wishing you a hula hoop kind of day.

Holding the Scrabble Pieces

This moring the house was empty and I started the morning with a little art meditation. Collaging is one of my favorite forms of prayer. Picking images and colors and putting them together to see what unfolds.

I have some huge pieces of butcher paper I've been dying to use. Something about the large size communicates that there is plenty of room to work here. I created a big prayer collage. The focal point of it is two hands holding a bunch of scrabble pieces.

My intention going into the morning was to begin to uncover what is rumbling under the surface. I'm at a career crossroads. I have a good contract in place for the spring, but it's time to explore what's next, where I am I being called. In October after quitting a very short ived job that was a bad match, I visitied with my old boss. One of the beuaties of working with someone for a number of years is that they can really provide amazing feedback. Without hesitation, she said you've got to be doing something one on one with people. She rattled off what she perceived to be my skills and gifts. I was a bit surprised how on target her reflections felt.

As I sat in quiet with the collage, I thought that's me ...sitting with people as they hold their scrabble pieces. Sometimes the pieces spell an obvious word, other times they make no sense at all, some people just can't hold the pieces, some pieces are bruised and tarnished. I'm called to be present, to sit wtih, to live along side. Hmmm.

The other image that really jumped out was a girl jumping into Barton Springs. It's now...not later, quit the I can't ...I'm not good enough....just get on with it. Hmmm.

It was a good morning, lots to sit with. I am so thankful to have found ways to sccess my soul.

I'm now sitting at Motzart's coffee shop having a great cup of coffee and thinking life is good.

A New Year Ramble

2008 has come in full throttle.... I feel like I can't quite catch up to it. From Thanksgiving through New Years is a blur. Big family gatherings, birthdays, flu bugs, new jobs....all this and we've still only been here in Austin for just 5 months. No wonder I feel a bit out of breath and disoriented.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this coming year. They seem to be living expectantly just under the surface. I can't quite get to them at the moment, but I know they are there. I keep dreaming of spending a day in quite...candles lit....journal near by and lots of art materials... I sense this would help me uncover what my heart hears mumbling in the background. It will come, Epiphany may just be coming a little late for me this year.

2007 what a year--- I am blown away by all that the year held. The move was huge. Leaving the Bay Area after 10 years. Leaving friends who had become as close as family. Saying goodbye to where Katie spent her first years and where Mary made deep and lasting roots. A dear friend getting a difficult diagnosis reminding us that life is so fragile. Spending lots of time with family. Jane's father dying after such a long illness- all death is suprising and parents aren't supposed to die. Adjusting to Mary turning 20 and becoming more independent. I keep wondering when I will adjust to her being in college. Meeting the wonderful community- Journey Imperfect Fatih Community- I have been waiting to meet you for years. Moving into a home that just fits us like a glove. Enjoying the vibe of city living. Reconnecting with one of my dearest high school friends. Taking some big risks in terms of employment and not being too scared about it. Bob and I really enjoying each other and this new phase in our life. This year is one first times in my life where I could hold both the grief and the excitement from the events of the past year. They were both real and equally present. I think I bring these into 2008.

Spending the New Year in the Bay Area was so weird almost surreal. Our little town of San Carlos is a place where everyone knows everyone. In the first few hours we ran into lots of people. The guy who baked our pizza every Friday night. The kid from the soccer team that we wanted to avoid. The Batista at Starbucks. A good friend who didn't know we were in town. It was almost like looking back at a point in life through a new lens.

New Years with our dearest friends was like a great family reunion . It would have been a perfect 10 if Mary had been with us. We wondered how we would come back together but within moments Bob and Jon were talking sports, Jane and I in the kitchen drinking wine and talking a mile a minute. The kids had disappeared to the back room. One of my favorite moments was during dinner, Justin- age 11, kept saying "gosh I have missed you all." Right back at you ,Justin. New Years day was the best- spa treatments for us girls in the morning and then a wonderful outing to beach. We ended this perfect reunion with a little more football, pizza from Speederia, and big hugs until we meet again.

One of our blogger friends wrote his three words for 2007. This is kind of fun to me because each year at New Years my friend Jane gives each us a new pair of socks to wear when life is tough and in each sock is a word. My words last year were strength and clarity. Numerous times throughout the year I cussed getting strength. I'm tired of being strong and tough. Jane reminded me that I needed the word strength to move 1700 miles to the unknown. The words that represent 2007 for me are: transition, strength (i know it was true), possibility.

2007 you were good to me...so many doors gently closed, new doors with wide welcome signs appeared. And so my hope is that in the next few weeks I will have time to get quiet and hear what is possibly stirring in me for the coming year.

Blessings and peace to you as you move into this New Year!