Seasons Changing

The school year is about to begin. We are in the last few days of summer. I’m out of tricks for fun summer activities. I’ve almost worn tired of the pool. I’m eager for the season to change.

The last few days the air has been cooler. The daylight is growing slightly shorter. Slowly we will move to autumn; a time when the leaves change and ultimately die. My soul feels in line with autumn. Much in my life is shining with bright colors, and yet, much of will truly die this year. Mary will graduate. Bob will graduate. Katie will start middle school. We will likely move. It would be easy to move to winter and feel sad about all that must die. It is also tempting to move on to spring and think about all that is going to grow anew. Yet, I sit in the beauty of autumn, basking at the colorful leaves in my life. I am aware that winter will come and perhaps be harsh, but today it is the beauty of those who surround me that fills my heart.

Gratitude is emotion that is in the forefront. There have been many weeks in the past 3 years when I didn’t know if we would make it to this point. I didn’t know if our marriage would hold the strain of so many life changes. I didn’t know if the children would handle the changes. I didn’t know if I could.

To arrive at the autumn of this journey is to feel a deeply grateful heart. We have been supported in big and little ways. Our families and friends have supported us even when our life decisions seemed utterly absurd. It’s overwhelming at times to comprehend. The many times we flirted with Bob quitting the seminary process, yet something always emerged to lift us from the bottom of the pit. Kind words, dinner invitations, airplane tickets, prayer, encouragement. All these kindnesses have brought us to this place.

Yes, winter will smart this year. I’m sure of that. Spring will be exciting and scary. Summer will be seeing our oldest in full bloom. But today, I’m thrilled to be entering the fall thankful for the richness of colors in my life.

Summer winding down

Summer is winding down here at the Carlton house. School starts next week. Bob finishes CPE on Friday. I've been off work for nine wonderful weeks. I feel my batteries finally recharging. I actually cleaned the house this morning. Well, the truth is I cleaned before the cleaning people are coming. We haven't had cleaning people in two years, but we decided a one time clean would be a great way to start the new school year.

I have an interesting job possibility brewing. It totally seemed perfect when I interviewed. Now it has stalled a bit. I really want to listen and not just jump on a quick fix. I'm sensing that it will become clear. Either way the interview gave me great confidence. It also made realize that my options are wide open.

I'm feeling great about taking the summer off. Most of my fears have not been realized. I was sure we'd go broke if I took this time off. Actually, the money has worked out.

Labor day weekend we will go on our annual church family weekend up in beautiful Sonoma county. This weekend has been our commu nal glue for the past 8 years. We've watched babies grow to kids, marriages desolve,new love found, friends move, jobs lost and found. This is the place where friends have become family.

There is an ache in my heart knowing that this is our last Bishop's Ranch weekend. Whether we move or stay here after seminary we will be leaving this community. Over the past two years we have slowly moved out of this lovelvy community. But I sense that a new season is brewing for our family. A season of letting go. Part of the letting go is a deep gratitude for the wonderful community we landed in. And so my prayer for our annual Labor day pilgrimage is that we enter with deeply thnkful hearts for the love and hospitality that have been given to us. May we laugh hard, get little sleep, drink a little too much wine, and gently welcome new faces who can take our seats around the campfire.

Staying Awake

“Stay awake”….that is what my monk friend told me about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been trying this and it’s more difficult than I expected.

Staying awake means staying present to all that is going on around me..to my feelings, to the feelings of those around me. It feels almost like sensory overload. No wonder I spend so much time distracted by computers, books, errands.

If I stay awake…I feel happiness, sadness, joy, pain, worry, fear, anticipation. Awake I notice the real joys of life…a funny joke, the kiss of a child, the cool breeze. I am finding that awake, God is not contained in quiet time or meditation, but is present in each moment.

Body and Spirit

I've been thinking alot about marrige lately. I think it's because Bob and I have actually had a good deal of time together over the past couple of months.

Actually to be truthful I've been thinking about sex and marriage. A topic that is rarely discussed especially in Christian circles.

Bob and I were both totally worn out on Sunday. We skipped half of church and sat in the park and talked. We were both frustrated with each other. It was a rather circular convesation. You don't understand me....I try so much harder...the usual circular conversation. Luckily, we stopped at some point and agreed that we could at least meet at feeling underappreciated. We made it back into church in time to share a good chuckle over the barbershop quartet communion singers.

The rest of the day we spent of the day doing house chores. As we went to bed we were both tired. We both apologized for the ugly words earlier in day. And then almost magically our tired bodies said what our words couldn't say. We moved out of our separateness into communion and met at the altar of one another; we were tranformed.

The next day I felt renewed and blessed. What an awesome God who created us...the earthy us ....the body. Our western culture desperately pushes a wedge between body and spirit. Ours is an earthy faith...body and blood. Separating body from spirit is denying the deep creative force to be co-creators with God.

Anticipation

The phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "Hello Mom".
Relief overwhelmed me. Quiet prayers of thanksgiving sprinkeled with a few tears of joy.

Letting Mary participate in Amigos felt like a huge leap of faith On a conceptual level, I thought it was great....going to another country, helping others, expanding language skills. But it was Mary...my sweet, beautiful 17 year old. I had to face what I already knew...something bad could happen to her anywhere. Then there was the issue that she and another teen would live on there own in a foreign country. All this made me anxious. And then I would think about what an awesome life experience this would be and I made peace with it.

Putting her on the plane 6 weeks ago today was tough. Nothing could hold back my tears not even her confidence as she walked through security. We have had only 2 calls during this time.

So today she returns...she called from the Houston airport. I can't wait to hear all about it. How will this trip have changed her? How will it change all of us? How will we treausure this last year together?

The welcome home sign is up...the streamers are hanging from the door ...the welcome home balloon is full...My heart is full.

Welcome home Mary!