Today we picked Katie up at camp. It was so great. She ran up to hug us and burst into tears. She was so happy to see us. I love the way this child wears her heart on her sleeve.
She had wonderful time...it was churchy but not bad churchy was her report. She went on a 15 mile hike and had a week full of new adventures.
What a great day!
Friday, July 29, 2005
Stay Awake
I just got back from a short retreat at Mt. Calvary Monastery in Santa Barbara. I try to get up there two times a year. My soul relaxes as I walk through the big wooden door.
It was hard to turn off the …okay God tell me what’s next?
I was speaking with one of the monks and he asked how I had been since I last visited. I explained that I had left my job and was waiting to see what would be next for me. He quickly said, “Well stay awake…that’s all you have to do is stay awake.”
At about 4 am I heard a very loud crow. My first instinct was to throw the pillow over my head. Then I thought…stay awake. So I layed in the bed for what seemed like an eternity and listened to the crow.
This morning as I sat on my favorite rock overlooking the Pacific, I wondered how do we stay awake?
Part of it lies in following a prayerful rhythm throughout the day…allowing for regular times of prayer, rest, leisure, and work. It also requires me to turn down the noise in my life. Noise is a distraction from intimacy with God. Often for me that noise includes fear and self doubt. Each time I sit on that rock I hear God inviting me into trust and surrender.
I got a few inklings where my life might be going. A few things seem very clear. God has called me off the grid. My life will likely look irresponsible to the casual observer. This is a bit frightening to one who lives by a plan and has been labeled responsible since birth. I’m also guessing that my comfort zones are going to be pushed a bit. I tend to hold back and it seems that I am being called to move more into the open.
And then there’s money… I must admit for me money is one of my biggest spiritual obstacles. I have an overdeveloped need for financial security. I know everybody worries about money…but money holds me back. The last couple of years I have let out the string on this a bit, but I am always holding the string. It may be time to lay the string down and trust. I’m not sure what this looks like or exactly how to do this. I’m thinking prayer is a good place to start.
So in the coming weeks I pray for the courage to stay awake and open my heart to trust that God is quietly revealing new plans for my life.
It was hard to turn off the …okay God tell me what’s next?
I was speaking with one of the monks and he asked how I had been since I last visited. I explained that I had left my job and was waiting to see what would be next for me. He quickly said, “Well stay awake…that’s all you have to do is stay awake.”
At about 4 am I heard a very loud crow. My first instinct was to throw the pillow over my head. Then I thought…stay awake. So I layed in the bed for what seemed like an eternity and listened to the crow.
This morning as I sat on my favorite rock overlooking the Pacific, I wondered how do we stay awake?
Part of it lies in following a prayerful rhythm throughout the day…allowing for regular times of prayer, rest, leisure, and work. It also requires me to turn down the noise in my life. Noise is a distraction from intimacy with God. Often for me that noise includes fear and self doubt. Each time I sit on that rock I hear God inviting me into trust and surrender.
I got a few inklings where my life might be going. A few things seem very clear. God has called me off the grid. My life will likely look irresponsible to the casual observer. This is a bit frightening to one who lives by a plan and has been labeled responsible since birth. I’m also guessing that my comfort zones are going to be pushed a bit. I tend to hold back and it seems that I am being called to move more into the open.
And then there’s money… I must admit for me money is one of my biggest spiritual obstacles. I have an overdeveloped need for financial security. I know everybody worries about money…but money holds me back. The last couple of years I have let out the string on this a bit, but I am always holding the string. It may be time to lay the string down and trust. I’m not sure what this looks like or exactly how to do this. I’m thinking prayer is a good place to start.
So in the coming weeks I pray for the courage to stay awake and open my heart to trust that God is quietly revealing new plans for my life.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Freedom
It’s been about 6 weeks since I stopped working. I have finally really relaxed into it. Here are a few of my random thoughts on this time:
The time I have spent with Katie this summer has been amazing. Katie is such an interesting kid and being with her is full of twists and turns and lovely surprises. I was missing out on so much with her. This week we went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my friend, Jane and her kids. Katie said Jane and I were being “real moms” for the day (aka..stay at home moms). The sun was shining, the smell of popcorn, the ocean breeze, the kids laughing, it was a perfect day. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.
It is kind of interesting because after I had Mary I did not work for many years. I also had loads of help at home…a nanny, a housekeeper, a yard guy, a snow shoveler. Most of that time I felt itchy and incomplete; I could never settle into the role of Mom. I was a good Mom, but underneath I felt a bit empty. I always wondered about women who easily embraced motherhood. It was a struggle for me.
Having worked hard perhaps too hard at times, I now feel like this Mom gig is the greatest job on earth. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is not going to last forever and I really want to soak it up. Now…in this moment…not tomorrow…not when the house is clean…not when the kids are perfect…not when there is plenty of money. Today! I want to love those in my life from the depths of my heart. That’s it…I am not sure there is any other great plan in my life at the moment. The things I am looking forward to are hanging out with Bob tonight, sending Katie a package at camp, checking my e-mail a hundred times to see if Mary wrote me, calling my friends, talking to family…that’s it .
My therapist said to me a while back that I was searching for freedom. I thought that was an odd comment. Yes, I think it is freedom that I am finding. Freedom from expectations, freedom from plans…freedom to love and feel each day as a great gift from God.
The time I have spent with Katie this summer has been amazing. Katie is such an interesting kid and being with her is full of twists and turns and lovely surprises. I was missing out on so much with her. This week we went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my friend, Jane and her kids. Katie said Jane and I were being “real moms” for the day (aka..stay at home moms). The sun was shining, the smell of popcorn, the ocean breeze, the kids laughing, it was a perfect day. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.
It is kind of interesting because after I had Mary I did not work for many years. I also had loads of help at home…a nanny, a housekeeper, a yard guy, a snow shoveler. Most of that time I felt itchy and incomplete; I could never settle into the role of Mom. I was a good Mom, but underneath I felt a bit empty. I always wondered about women who easily embraced motherhood. It was a struggle for me.
Having worked hard perhaps too hard at times, I now feel like this Mom gig is the greatest job on earth. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is not going to last forever and I really want to soak it up. Now…in this moment…not tomorrow…not when the house is clean…not when the kids are perfect…not when there is plenty of money. Today! I want to love those in my life from the depths of my heart. That’s it…I am not sure there is any other great plan in my life at the moment. The things I am looking forward to are hanging out with Bob tonight, sending Katie a package at camp, checking my e-mail a hundred times to see if Mary wrote me, calling my friends, talking to family…that’s it .
My therapist said to me a while back that I was searching for freedom. I thought that was an odd comment. Yes, I think it is freedom that I am finding. Freedom from expectations, freedom from plans…freedom to love and feel each day as a great gift from God.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Worry
I went on a brief trip to Texas to visit my parents. Katie and I also got to go visit my brother’s lake house. It was much fun. In one day she caught 5 fish, jumped off a boat, and learned to play ping pong. It was also the first time she had spent much time with my brother’s boys. They had a great time. I enjoyed it too.
I’m glad to be home. The older I get the more I just like to be home. Bob and I had a lovely afternoon hanging by the pool today.
I’ve really been missing Mary. She is in Mexico for 6 weeks with www.amigoslink.org. It is hard to have her gone and she has been sick during the trip. I am so proud of her. She is working in a small village teaching at a day camp with 2 other high school students.
Since I’ve stopped working I notice that I am worrying more about the girls. I worry if they are safe. I worry if they have the right friends. I worry that I haven’t taught them the “right” things. I worry ….I just worry.
Worry is from fear…fear that things aren’t going to work out …fear that something bad is going to happen. Worry is tiring and draining. Worry never helps things. Most of the bad things that have happened to me were too hideous to even imagine worrying about.
So my goal for the week is to just stop! When I want to worry about the girls I am just going to lift up a prayer of gratitude for the gifts they are in my life. I have no idea if this is going to work. I’ll keep you posted.
I’m glad to be home. The older I get the more I just like to be home. Bob and I had a lovely afternoon hanging by the pool today.
I’ve really been missing Mary. She is in Mexico for 6 weeks with www.amigoslink.org. It is hard to have her gone and she has been sick during the trip. I am so proud of her. She is working in a small village teaching at a day camp with 2 other high school students.
Since I’ve stopped working I notice that I am worrying more about the girls. I worry if they are safe. I worry if they have the right friends. I worry that I haven’t taught them the “right” things. I worry ….I just worry.
Worry is from fear…fear that things aren’t going to work out …fear that something bad is going to happen. Worry is tiring and draining. Worry never helps things. Most of the bad things that have happened to me were too hideous to even imagine worrying about.
So my goal for the week is to just stop! When I want to worry about the girls I am just going to lift up a prayer of gratitude for the gifts they are in my life. I have no idea if this is going to work. I’ll keep you posted.
Friday, July 08, 2005
The Objects We Love
What do the objects we own say about us? This was the topic on Forum, a local NPR show. The discussion centered around the objects we own and their artistic value. One of the guests on the show is developing a found art exhibit at the Berkeley Art Museum. He talked about going into people’s houses and asking to borrow their precious collections; the things that represented their souls.
This got me thinking about the objects in my life. What are my true material treasures? What is the art in my life?
A few things came to mind. I love worn furniture. I don’t want any shine in my house; it just plays up my imperfections. My living room coffee table is a great example. It is a pine Mexican style table. What I love about it is all the paint, glitter, and marker marks. It holds holy moments of creating.
I love pitchers; not sure why. An old floral pitcher my Mom gave me is my favorite; followed by an old wooden pitcher that I bought at a flea market. Of course, my books rate very high up there. I also love all types of blankets; throws, quilts and afghans. I have a number of great blankets from family members. My wedding ring. Earrings. My kid’s artwork. Family photos. Good sheets. My pillow. Icons and religious statues.
These are the items that I would gather for my Lisa Carlton art installation. I’m not sure if there is any thread to these items. I just know they are the things that create beauty and happiness for me.
What are the objects that are most precious to you?
This got me thinking about the objects in my life. What are my true material treasures? What is the art in my life?
A few things came to mind. I love worn furniture. I don’t want any shine in my house; it just plays up my imperfections. My living room coffee table is a great example. It is a pine Mexican style table. What I love about it is all the paint, glitter, and marker marks. It holds holy moments of creating.
I love pitchers; not sure why. An old floral pitcher my Mom gave me is my favorite; followed by an old wooden pitcher that I bought at a flea market. Of course, my books rate very high up there. I also love all types of blankets; throws, quilts and afghans. I have a number of great blankets from family members. My wedding ring. Earrings. My kid’s artwork. Family photos. Good sheets. My pillow. Icons and religious statues.
These are the items that I would gather for my Lisa Carlton art installation. I’m not sure if there is any thread to these items. I just know they are the things that create beauty and happiness for me.
What are the objects that are most precious to you?
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Shout out to Cathi
I have been hanging out all day trying to figure out what I am “supposed” to do with all my new found time. Katie is gone all day. I have wandered around the house like a lost sheep. I spent some time in prayer this morning but really couldn’t settle in. I tried to write for a while but that didn’t work either. I cooked a good dinner and wasted time on the Internet.
Around 2 pm the phone rang; it was Cathi, my sister in law. I was so happy to hear her voice. I’ve known Cathi most of my life. I remember her in elementary school. She was a couple years older than me. She was a cool, tough girl. Something about her always stayed in my head. So when I started dating her brother, I felt a bit intimidated by her. I don’t ever recall us having a conversation for years. I’d see her at family gatherings, but there wasn’t much connection. One of my real regrets in life is that we skipped her wedding because our corporate busyness was more important. Those are the things you do when you are young that you are totally horrified by later in life.
After we moved out to California, we started seeing Cathi and her boys on a regular basis. Much to my surprise, she and I had much in common. She is a deeply spiritual person and somehow when we chatted I had the sense we understood each other on a deep level. Last year she was going through a pretty dark period and I had the honor being present with her during that time. It was a gift to have a family member be so real, so messy and allow me to bear witness to that moment. That night I learned that in families we don’t have to hide our tears and our pain.
I was reminded today when Cathi called, what a gift she has become in my life and how much I respect her courage. In a weird twist of fate, she too is taking a period in her life to reassess and take a new path. It was great to chat with her about the loneliness of slowing down.
So today I say thanks for Cathi and the love and light that she has brought to me and to Mary, Katie and Bob. Thanks for letting us share in your journey. You are on your way!
Around 2 pm the phone rang; it was Cathi, my sister in law. I was so happy to hear her voice. I’ve known Cathi most of my life. I remember her in elementary school. She was a couple years older than me. She was a cool, tough girl. Something about her always stayed in my head. So when I started dating her brother, I felt a bit intimidated by her. I don’t ever recall us having a conversation for years. I’d see her at family gatherings, but there wasn’t much connection. One of my real regrets in life is that we skipped her wedding because our corporate busyness was more important. Those are the things you do when you are young that you are totally horrified by later in life.
After we moved out to California, we started seeing Cathi and her boys on a regular basis. Much to my surprise, she and I had much in common. She is a deeply spiritual person and somehow when we chatted I had the sense we understood each other on a deep level. Last year she was going through a pretty dark period and I had the honor being present with her during that time. It was a gift to have a family member be so real, so messy and allow me to bear witness to that moment. That night I learned that in families we don’t have to hide our tears and our pain.
I was reminded today when Cathi called, what a gift she has become in my life and how much I respect her courage. In a weird twist of fate, she too is taking a period in her life to reassess and take a new path. It was great to chat with her about the loneliness of slowing down.
So today I say thanks for Cathi and the love and light that she has brought to me and to Mary, Katie and Bob. Thanks for letting us share in your journey. You are on your way!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Be still
Today I’ve decided that until the end of July I should just be…
Not try to figure out what is next….not connect with people for a new job…not make any money…just be. I can’t say that I am doing too well with this goal. I’ve already checked the craigslist jobs twice today.
I wonder why I avoid being? I’m always planning for the future…making little timelines…making lists…weighing the pros and cons of various scenarios…going on Expedia to plan trips I will never take.
Yesterday Katie and I were hanging out and I went outside and just laid in the grass. It was a lovely moment. Time stood still. The sun felt warm on my face. My body relaxed into the earth. In that moment of stillness, God’s presence surrounded me.
Be still and know that I am God.
Not try to figure out what is next….not connect with people for a new job…not make any money…just be. I can’t say that I am doing too well with this goal. I’ve already checked the craigslist jobs twice today.
I wonder why I avoid being? I’m always planning for the future…making little timelines…making lists…weighing the pros and cons of various scenarios…going on Expedia to plan trips I will never take.
Yesterday Katie and I were hanging out and I went outside and just laid in the grass. It was a lovely moment. Time stood still. The sun felt warm on my face. My body relaxed into the earth. In that moment of stillness, God’s presence surrounded me.
Be still and know that I am God.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
4th of July
I love the 4th of July. It may be my favorite holiday. This is a bit a strange for a liberal leaning Christian. I don't consider myself very patriotic.
So what is it that I love about this holiday? I think it's the communal nature of the 4th of July. As a kid, all the neighbors would gather in the front yard. We'd stay up late eating hot dogs and homemade ice cream. Everyone gathered to celebate... it was simple and just plain fun.
This year the Carltons will have a few friends over. Play kickball, drink beer, eat Bob's wonderful BBQ and head up the hill to watch fireworks. Katie has decorated the white board in Red , White , and Blue. She has listed the evening activites and the menu.
It's the simlicity of the day that I love...hang with friends, eat good food, and celebrate our common bond. If only Christmas could be so simple!
So what is it that I love about this holiday? I think it's the communal nature of the 4th of July. As a kid, all the neighbors would gather in the front yard. We'd stay up late eating hot dogs and homemade ice cream. Everyone gathered to celebate... it was simple and just plain fun.
This year the Carltons will have a few friends over. Play kickball, drink beer, eat Bob's wonderful BBQ and head up the hill to watch fireworks. Katie has decorated the white board in Red , White , and Blue. She has listed the evening activites and the menu.
It's the simlicity of the day that I love...hang with friends, eat good food, and celebrate our common bond. If only Christmas could be so simple!
Friday, July 01, 2005
Love this quote
Our life is a faint tracing on the surface of mystery, like the idle, curved tunnels of leaf miners on the face of a leaf. We must somehow take a wider view, look at the whole landscape, really see it, and describe what’s going on here. Then we can at least wail the right question into the swaddling band of darkness, or, if it comes to that, choir the proper praise. -- Annie Dillard
via Sister Christler
via Sister Christler
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