Love/Hate

Things I love: Talking on the phone especially to my parents, hearing Bob's car pull in the driveway, tote bags, anything with the Virgin Mary, Katie's eager footsteps in the morning, gardening stores, "love you" at the end of every call with Mary, my new huge bathtub, the number 650-224-2638 popping up on my cell, walking through any museum, a new novel, going to Whole Foods for my morning coffee, a great conversation, lighting all the candles in the house on Friday night, my green sweater, mismatched anything, strays, Maundy Thursday church service, the 4th of July, going to the beach alone, Bishop's Ranch.

Things I hate: The ringing of the home phone, doctors, Christmas, dentists, crowded places, big concerts, mini vans, shiny furniture, the use of the word He for God, clowns, yelling, weak coffee, people who are mean to my children, journals with lines, bad smelling candles, malls, traffic, windows that you can't see out of, TV, tight clothes, dead plants.

What do you love/hate?

Playing house

I love to play house- moving things around, hanging pictures, lighting candles. I go into a bit of a creative never, never land when I am playing. It feels similar to going to a movie and looking up 2 hours later and feeling disoriented.

Last night I was playing on the patio wanting to get the plants in their "right" position. It was a purely magical moment as I lit all the candles and just felt the beauty of creation.

I feel so blessed right now- somehow that sounds too light for the my feeling. I guess it is more like deep gratitude. Living in this cool city right in the heart of the activity. I love it!

This summer we saw the wonderful movie, The Waitress. During the movie, one of the characters writes spontaneous poems. He does this often and at odd times. When we returned home, Katie added this to the splash page of our computer.

Spontaneous poem:
We are moving to Austin
and we have a cool cool house
in a cool cool neighborhood
we are so cool cool!!!!

I am definitely not cool but the house and the neighborhood are cool, cool. For that I hold great gratitude. I didn't deserve it or have to have it, but I sure do like it.

beloved of god- part 2

I'm at a resting spot right now. I am working as a consultant and have more free time than I have had in many years. I find myself disoriented. We have just moved to Austin and the rhythm of my life has radically changed. I don't have to rush out the door to get to the office to hurry and pick Katie up. This is all sounding good and it is good...very good. However, my body and soul are thrown off by this shift.

It comes back to who am I if I am not on super speed, if I am not productive. What is productive anyway? If I spend the day writing and doing art, is that productive? Does it matter? The little voices in my head are screaming like crazy. Certainly, there are productive things I could do like finish unpacking. All this circles back to this concept of worthiness. What if part of my being was made to create? Not to sell art or develop a new business, but to create as a reflection of my soul. How lovely to sit on the porch and get knee deep in modge podge and images. Creating fills a deep soul space. It allows me to process the world in a non linear fashion.

This takes me back to this idea of living into being the beloved of god.

If god created us with all our passions and interests, then it makes sense to dive into them. It strkes me that this is radically counter cultural. Culture tells us that we are worthy through our hard work, our income, our appearance. This puts us as the god of our lives. We determine the outcome- we control. To give that up and to say what the f___. I'm going to live into the gifts of my soul. Freedom- true radical freedom.

the beloved of god

"Let your body surrender to the earth. "

As I laid in the corpse position during yoga class, I was deeply struck by being the beloved of god. In our community, we have been talking about this concept. I must confess I keep wishing we could go back to sin or shame or something that is familiar. Being the beloved of god- just as we are- is a tough concept to grasp. I've been working with this idea -trying to live into it.

Laying on the floor loved and well cared for, it hit me. Yes, right here and now I am the beloved of god. I laid there trying to take it into to every cell in my body. It's interesting that when I got out of my head and into my body this basic truth could stir me in a new way. My mind is so limited, my heart is sometimes closed off, but opening the body allows love to flow in a new way.

This idea of being the beloved of god is foreign. We live in culture of striving- look better, set goals, try harder. Underlying all these messages is that we are intrinsically not enough. We are unworthy. For me, this produces a couple of reactions. I spend much of my life dancing as fast as I can to be better. The other half the time, I feel stuck by my unworthiness. It is almost a pass not to be vulnerable. Living into being the beloved of god calls me out of my box -now. The call is not to dance the fastest but the call is to get out there and dance and invite other into the dance.

Namaste.

Escaping Into The Open

I have been wanting to blog again but life just got in the way. In the beginning this blog was a wonderful way for me to process my daughter leaving home as she went to college. Along the way, I also posted a little bit about my spiritual journey. Our family recently moved from the Bay Area to Austin, Texas. My life has turned to a new chapter.

I'm not really sure where we are headed here- Escaping Into The Open.