Freedom

It’s been about 6 weeks since I stopped working. I have finally really relaxed into it. Here are a few of my random thoughts on this time:

The time I have spent with Katie this summer has been amazing. Katie is such an interesting kid and being with her is full of twists and turns and lovely surprises. I was missing out on so much with her. This week we went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my friend, Jane and her kids. Katie said Jane and I were being “real moms” for the day (aka..stay at home moms). The sun was shining, the smell of popcorn, the ocean breeze, the kids laughing, it was a perfect day. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.

It is kind of interesting because after I had Mary I did not work for many years. I also had loads of help at home…a nanny, a housekeeper, a yard guy, a snow shoveler. Most of that time I felt itchy and incomplete; I could never settle into the role of Mom. I was a good Mom, but underneath I felt a bit empty. I always wondered about women who easily embraced motherhood. It was a struggle for me.

Having worked hard perhaps too hard at times, I now feel like this Mom gig is the greatest job on earth. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is not going to last forever and I really want to soak it up. Now…in this moment…not tomorrow…not when the house is clean…not when the kids are perfect…not when there is plenty of money. Today! I want to love those in my life from the depths of my heart. That’s it…I am not sure there is any other great plan in my life at the moment. The things I am looking forward to are hanging out with Bob tonight, sending Katie a package at camp, checking my e-mail a hundred times to see if Mary wrote me, calling my friends, talking to family…that’s it .

My therapist said to me a while back that I was searching for freedom. I thought that was an odd comment. Yes, I think it is freedom that I am finding. Freedom from expectations, freedom from plans…freedom to love and feel each day as a great gift from God.