I Miss......

Grief- feelings of loss- that's where I'm sitting today.

While I love being in Austin and I wouldn't change the decision, I am grieving what was left behind.

• I miss history, shared history. Ten years in one place holds lots of my life, my kids lives. To date the biggest decisions, mistakes, and victories took place there. All of the souls who shared life with me, they held this history with me. Now, I feel like I am holding it all and it sometimes feels like it bubbles over.

• I miss routines. Where do you buy a decent cheap Christmas tree? Isn't there a Saturday sandwich shop that knows I want a turkey sandwich on an oatmeal roll with cranberry sauce? If I am running late, of course they held one back for me.

• I miss daily contact with old friends. You know the friends who know you aren't okay when you say you are. Who remind you that the last time you tried that it didn't work out so well. Yes, you do love him when you want to kill him. They are going to be fine she reassures you as you worry over your children and she says this with conviction because she has seen them in their worst moments.

• I miss spiritual landmarks. I'm upset and confused and I head over the hill to the beach. The first glimpse of the ocean causes my body to relax. Walking through the door of Mt. Calvary Monastery, god will find me here. Places to run to-places that are touch stones to the holy. These physical spots have been critical to my spiritual sanity.

• I miss remembering. Seeing my friend drive by with her kids in her car reminds me that her husband is very ill. Seeing the courtyard at the elementary school and recalling the quiet sobs as a beloved teacher died unexpectedly. Seeing the candles lit on San Calos Avenue after 9/11. Looking out at the high school and seeing my sweet daughter walk across the stage.