Decisions

Oh I hate decisions! God seems to be inviting me into deeper absurdity. I just left my old boss who offered me a perfectly nice new job. It would fit with my family life, allow me additional time for myself, and pay some bills. All this said, my spirit says no. Hold true to this time and just wait. A huge part of me wants to yell at God and remind him/her of all my personal limitations and special situations.

Then, there is this little part of me that wonders, what if there is something really wonderful that I am supposed to discover during this time? What if I take the first exit at the foot of the mountain before I really hit the amazing impressive peaks and valleys? What if God and his/her faithfulness is the real deal?

My dear friend, Judith, reminded me to consider the difference between my gifts and my talents. She described gifts as god given talents that flow from us and give us energy. They are not always easy, but they are energy producing. Our skills are our adapted talents that we use as needed in life. They are not bad, but a life only utilizing skills becomes draining. Unfortunately, my skills can produce income and recognition; while my gifts are circular, fluid, and at times, immeasurable.

In our culture, the issue of women’s gifts is so complicated. Society defines success in male terms…strategies, goals, outcomes. Christianity has bought into the patriarchal model limiting both men and women with purpose driven, strategy driven formation tools. Where is the room for the unpredictable power of the Spirit? Where is there a place for intuition? Where is their room for doubt and uncertainty?

Some of my best decisions were like mini earthquakes. I just woke up and the earth had shifted and I had to adapt. I think of my recent decision to leave my job. It had been brewing for a period of time, but I woke up one day and knew that I would not be continuing to work at the Crisis Center. It was totally off plan and yet it was so right... so perfectly timed…so much better than my plan. When I told Katie (my youngest daughter) that I was leaving the Crisis Center she said, ‘Mom, I’m going to be your new boss and I will be paying you in hugs and kisses.” Perhaps God has invited me to a richer place that in his/her kingdom is not absurd at all.