Unraveling The Yarn

I felt almost sad today that our wonderful, messy art installation would not be hanging above us next week. I like to look up and see my messiness intertwined with those of my fellow travelers. I have grown attached to the yarn and to the burdens that I have affixed to it.

During holy week, I want to surrender these burdens – to give them up, to detach from them. This scares me. The idea of hanging them from the yarn was vulnerable, but the idea of letting them die at the foot of the cross is terrifying.

I realize that this is not one of those try harder moments. However, with God’s grace this could actually happen.

What would be born on the other side of that?

Truth is – I have no idea. Therein lies my fear.

I know that God loves me and that I am to love others. My mapping and planning abilities have failed me. However, if I am honest with myself I hear little stirrings – hints of where the Spirit is calling me.

Not surprising they are related to the words I wrote on the index card.

God seems to be calling me to step out of my comfort zone as it relates to money. This is an area where I still hold tightly to a plan. I’m not sure if the plan is the problem or the underlying mission of the plan. What if I viewed money as something given to me by God to do well in the world? My fear radar kicks into overdrive just after typing that. I begin to worry about retirement, college educations, house painting, the landscaping I wanted to do. I really was not put on this planet to die with a big retirement or even to send my kids to the best colleges or to have the most beautiful paint job. I am called to be Jesus on this earth. I want to walk to the cross with this in my heart.

Of course, all this seems to always lead back to shutting up the fear voice in my head that speaks with a loud megaphone. Stop… I want to scream at the fear. Love trumps fear each time. The trick is to hold so tightly to love that there is no room for fear. Love takes me outside of my life and myself to the world around me. As I move outside of myself, my worries subside.

Here’s my prayer for holy week:

God wake me up. Help me to have the courage to step out from my comfort. Let me wrap myself so tightly in your love that fear cannot enter. Open my heart to love those who come in my path. Loosen my grip. Keep me somewhat unsteady as I move towards the cross. Let your love grow in me with great abundance.