Spring Cleaning

Today we did some awesome spring cleaning. We rearranged some furniture, threw out some things we haven't used in 8 months. It was very refreshing.

Internally, I have been doing some spring cleaning as well. I have been looking at some of my deeply held beliefs- those beliefs we form early in life to make the world a safe place. Something about hitting this mid life point makes me much less tolerant with some of my deeply held beliefs. I no longer feel willing to "obey" them which is causing a weird twist in my emotional life.

As long as I can remember, I have made people happy or comfortable. In of itself- this is a good thing- perhaps even a gift from god. However, I don't think god put me here to just make everyone happy and comfortable and I find myself tiring of this role. I don't want to dance as fast as I can to jump through hoops to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.

This week someone asked me to speak with a friend whose son was feeling suicidal. This was a reasonable request as I have done this for many people over the years. However, when this request came in- my soul shouted- No! Hmmm, I thought, how selfish. I sat with it for a few minutes and decided to give the person a referral. She was cool with it.

For me, I realized that I am not open 24/7 for everyone's problems. I care deeply about people and I am committed to being there 24/7 for my family and dear friends, but I am not giving myself away to anyone and everyone. It feels bitchy just to type that.

Here's the deal- there can be a fair amount of ego involved in "helping" eveyone. They need me, therefore, I am powerful and important. I never need them; therefore, I am self sufficient and superior.....not!

My call right now seems to be learning to become vulnerable. Admitting that sometimes I am tired or down or unsure. I have to learn to let others be with me- to trust others. I find this so difficult. Somewhere deep within I am unsure how that is going to play out. I am so much more comfortable with other people's issues and pain, but so much less comfortable sharing my own.

In my spring cleaning- I am losing the open 24/7 for business sign. I am also opening the door to my soul and letting other be there for me. I hate to throw things out. I always worry I'll need them one day. I'm notorious for going back and grabbing the things out of the bag. The old clothes are already at the Good will. Hopefully, my internal care taker is enjoying a nice vacation on a sunny island far away. Good riddance, my friend.